


to glow in the ash

by theflyjar



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Angst, Artificial Mpreg, Body Modification, Class Differences, Class Issues, Dystopia, Heavy Angst, M/M, Medicinal Drug Use, Mpreg, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Ownership, Revolution, Surrogacy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-30 11:44:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 39,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12652893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theflyjar/pseuds/theflyjar
Summary: In a world where the rich, powerful and elite do not bear their own children, they employ a surrogate called a 'Carrier'. Yifan is a noble politician who falls in love with his Carrier, Yixing. However, everything seems to be falling apart when a revolution to free the Carriers strikes.





	1. 第一章

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally planned for letoutthebaby but I could not finish it in time, as it grew out of control. 
> 
> More tags will be added as the fic goes.

The metal clasp around Yixing's wrist itched where it dug into his flesh, the crisply etched _four-two-two-nine-one-three_ showing as he twisted it so the digits faced upwards with his forefinger and thumb of his left hand. The band was unpleasant to wear, but it was a necessity for when he was outside of where he lived. He should have been used to it, the cataloguing bracelet, as he'd been wearing it since he could remember and it was only in more recent times that he'd been able to unscrew the bolts that kept it on his arm to remove it. It felt heavy, too bulky to be comfortable and none of the edges had been sanded to keep it smooth.

Yixing could remember how his adolescence had been filled with bandages around his right wrist, the shift from a plastic tag to a metal one was nothing short of painful. His thirteen-year-old wrists had been tender and unblemished. The only indicator of his plastic tag was the faint tan line that it left him with, he saw it the one time when it was removed and ran his fingers over it. His hand had been pushed out of the way as an incomplete metal circle was pushed up over his fingers to where his forearm began.

Watching the bolt slide into the clasping area is something Yixing gazed upon in wonder. He had been convinced that his curved metal panel would give him an identity, that he would become a minuscule, but still important, cog on a larger machine that kept the world turning. Yixing could only note how tiny of a moving part he would have to be with an identification number like _four-two-two-nine-one-three,_  especially when those figures were only given to people like Yixing.

"Can I see your tag?" A nasal voice above him asked in a tone that was demanding than polite, causing Yixing to stick out his arm. The woman brought out a scanner to hold over the digits until there was a beeping noise.

Through nothing but reflex, Yixing held out his left arm after he had recoiled his right and the woman ran her scanner over that too. The response dinging sound was longer than the previous, it was normal and Yixing's heart had long since stopped racing when his marker was checked. The woman, a nurse, let her eyes linger over the black ink that was etched exactly where Yixing's identity chip was buried in his left forearm.

He dropped his arm down, pulling at the sleeves of his shirt as the nurse arched one thin eyebrow. It was a look of curious judgement. So few of Yixing's kind had ever been tattooed over their chip, it was a far less common area of the body to be branded on. Most other's tattoos were on necks and hands, not in places that were easy to cover and hide away. Still, Yixing's had been cleverly placed so it _could_ be hidden if he wished, but the placement of it was important enough that it couldn't be ignored when shown.

"I'm going to need that back," the nurse was talking about his arm, Yixing licked his lips and simmered with embarrassment before pulling back his sleeve to place on the arm holder next to his chair.

The woman didn't even say thank you, she got Yixing's bare wrist and placed the top of her scanner to it. Like Yixing had felt six times before in his life, a short but sharp jab of a needle rammed into one of the small veins under the scanner.

A light on the edge of the device was red until it switched to green with a chime, she lifted a handheld tablet from her belt and tapped on the screen of it a few times before she took the scanner away from Yixing's skin. It left a small bubble of blood in its wake, bulging proudly from Yixing's arm. She didn't even need to check her tablet more than once prior to settling Yixing with a look.

"Not this time," her words were detached but pricked at Yixing's heart like a short stab. "Your results have been sent to your Host."

Yixing ground his teeth, the nurse stepped away to deal with the person in the seat next to Yixing once the needle had been changed over. Somebody else, another nurse, fetched Yixing from his chair to usher him out for the next patient to sit in it. He didn’t want to cry in front of the busy hospital ward, but he was inching closer to doing so as her words played over in his mind. She didn’t even care that she’d crushed Yixing’s world that little bit smaller than what it had been reduced to with previous words of the same sentiments in his past visits.

Among the devastation within him, he could feel the ropes of nerves churning in his stomach as he walked out onto the streets.

Waiting for him, like most days, was Lu Han, Yixing's Host's driver.

"No luck this time?" Lu Han queried, sitting in the car beside Yixing and pressing all the buttons to get the car moving, typing in the destination and tapping the buttons that had the car function on its own, before looking at Yixing as the car pulled away.

Lu Han’s face was sympathetic but nowhere near pitying, he felt for how Yixing curled up in his seat and picked at the tag on his wrist, moving it around and feeling it catch on his skin where the metal was sharper. It didn’t break the skin, his flesh had toughened slightly under the constant abuse that the clasp brought.

Yixing had always seen Lu Han's job as needless when he had first met him, given that it was solely antique cars that required somebody to manually drive them, and most cars on the road took their passengers directly to their destinations without much fault.

Companionship was Lu Han's real occupation, Yixing had come to find. He was there when Yixing had to travel, he was there for Yixing's Host when he had to travel out of the city and everything he did was about accompanying whoever was in the car with him. The job title, Yixing could only assume, was a bureaucratic thing, a small something to put on a tax form. Or maybe it was to give Luhan a sense of purpose, like Yixing’s title did.

"Why isn’t it happening?" Yixing pressed his fingertips to the engraved numbers. "What’s wrong with me?"

"Hey, there’s nothing wrong with you," Lu Han shuffled around to lean onto Yixing’s shoulder as the car stopped at a red light. "These things can often take time, rushing doesn’t do anybody any good and it will happen when the time is right. You don’t need to worry about anything, Mr Wu won’t be angry. He isn’t choleric, he’ll understand how you’re feeling."

That was exactly the point at the tip of the sword jabbing at Yixing’s heart. Yifan wouldn’t shout, or scream, or throw things. He’d walk in through the front door once he’d finished working and would seek Yixing out to make sure that _he_ was okay. Yifan was never angry when he would get the alert of Yixing’s appointments through on any of his devices, he was always as crestfallen as Yixing was. That was the painful part. They both wanted what Yixing hadn’t given them yet.

"I wish he didn’t have to understand," Yixing muttered as they moved through the streets, passing by people who were out shopping with their families or rushing between meetings. "It’s been two years and I’ve given him nothing. He isn’t married, he doesn’t already have any children. He bought me for a reason."

"He bought you because he was lonely, I can’t give him that consistent attention that he constantly craves, but you can." Lu Han slid back over to his own side of the car, obviously getting the impression that Yixing didn’t want, or need, him as close as he was. "You are enough for him. He doesn’t need as much as you think he does."

"You’re talking like I wasn’t purchased with a purpose other than keeping him company," Yixing looks at the driver from the corner of his eyes. "If he merely wanted company then he would have married, or bought one of those sex robots. He has the money to buy both, but he bought me instead. I’m a _Carrier_ , Han. I was created for a singular function, which is to bear the children of whoever buys me, and I can’t even do that. "

"Yixing, you were not _created—"_

" _—Modified,_  then."

"Just listen to me," Lu Han flared for a quick moment, ahead of relaxing back and commencing in a far softer tone. "Mr Wu adores you, baby or not. You know that."

Yixing, for once, had no evidence to deny that. His Host was caring, gentle and more than considerate of Yixing’s every want and need. In many ways, he was exactly what every Carrier would dream of in the person they were bought by, his nature was a wonder, and Yixing brought his thumb up to his lip to chew it gently. He took a tiny chunk of skin between his teeth, to worry over the flesh as Lu Han rubbed his shoulder.

The city passed by them in a grey blur, lights that shone down from buildings were the only real colour around. It was winter, the trees were bare and everybody was dressed head to toe in a darker palette that all merged together as the car moved between other vehicles on the road. They had a forty-five minute journey out of the city to where they both lived with Yixing’s Host. The route felt familiar, Yixing leant naturally into the turns at the ends of the streets but his eyes didn’t come back into focus.

Sometimes Yixing wished Yifan was like the Hosts he’d heard about. The ones that were colder, far less interested in the wellbeing of their Carrier and fixated on the end goal of having a child or two from them. Instead, Yixing had to go through the pain of letting down the man who gave him something that Yixing imagined was what having a _home_ felt like.

He could see Lu Han’s point, he knew it wasn’t a lie. But, another truth went along with that. It was the reality that Yixing had been raised, altered and trained to serve one objective. His upbringing dictated his role in the world and his failure to fulfil it left him dangling in a perpetual limbo-like realm with no power to escape from it.

Knowing that nothing else would be said, Lu Han clicked around on the media system to find the lengthy selection of playlists that Yifan had loaded on when he had upgraded the car a few months prior. Music played through the speakers softly, quiet enough that Yixing wouldn’t be jarred from his thoughts whilst being loud enough to cover the noises of Yixing’s constant thumb nibbling. The engine was silent, like with all cars, and not even the wind whistling past the darkened windows could be heard as they drifted out from the city towards the countryside.

The journey was always more pleasurable in the spring and summer months, everything was dashed with green and speckled with bright colours to draw Yixing out of his thoughts. He knew where the pinks and whites would dangle from the Magnolias, the places where the Forsythias bloomed out in yellows were imprinted in his mind, he could pinpoint where the Katsura Trees would transition from red to green to a burning range of oranges and yellows.

Winter had stripped away all bold signs of colour. The ground was swollen with water, coating the grasses in brown mud that made Yixing think of wet clay slipping through the hands of a potter. The empty limbs of trees had tips that looked like fingers unwrapped from their flesh, they blew in the wind and clinked like bones on a wind chime. The dour sky had sucked the land dry of everything until all that was left was a skeleton of what resided in the seasons of warmth and growth.

Yixing didn’t miss it as they turned through an ornate stone and metal gate, heading along a well-driven road as trees stood proudly at either side. In his first time travelling down the boulevard, he had stared out of the window of the car in wonderment as he tried to take every detail in. It was spring then; the Cherry Trees had been in bloom. It had been six months after his eighteenth birthday, his hair had been cut and his palms perspired as the driveway stretched out before him like a gravel river.

The memory of how dry his mouth had gone at the sight of the house that the driveway pooled around stuck out in his mind. He had shakingly crept out of the car and his mind was in disbelief that his Host was the homeowner of such a place. Whenever Yixing reflected back on that moment, all he could think about was how insignificant the building made him feel. He was so small in comparison, his clothes were basic in contrast to its grandeur, and it was regally intimidating where he was a dully presented commodity in human flesh.

Two years had gone by, and whilst he was still struck by the opulent, almost fairytale-esque, house, the shock had worn off. He knew that there were pillars to create archways carved with intricate patterns, that the windows were handcrafted, that the shimmering blues and greens that accented the stone features and bricks were polished Jade. The awe had worn off, the house no longer stilled his heart like it had once before.

Lu Han shut the car down, the music fading down to nothing and Yixing removed his thumb from his mouth to slide his finger along the panel that opened the door closest to him. He stepped out, the gravel crunched beneath his feet and he closed his eyes as the unhindered winter wind bit at his cheeks. It took the car door closing behind him to get him moving into the house where it was far warmer.

He removed his shoes, slid his socked feet into his pair of slippers that sat in the storage room of the foyer, before ascending the curling marble staircase to find the stairway that would take him up to the third floor of the house. His bedroom was three doors down on the left hand side of the corridor, his feet were sluggish in movement as he shuffled along the floor until he was in the safe haven of his bedroom.

There were three doors other than the entryway on the walls of his bedroom. One was a closet-cum-dressing room that was full of clothes that he rarely ever wore, another was a larger than average bathroom that had everything Yixing could want from a washing area, then the one that joined his bedroom to his Host’s.

Yixing didn’t look at the third door, nor did he go through it to crawl into the larger bed there like he did on most days, his heart was already heavy enough. Instead, he slid onto his own mattress and drew the duvet up over himself. It was cool under the sheets, the pillow smelt of detergent and the material was soft under his cheek. Comfort had turned from a luxury in his childhood to the norm in his two years as an adult Carrier.

His hands trembled down to his stomach, pulling his shirt up to rest his hands on his stomach prior to pressing on the area to see if he could feel anything. Yixing let his thumb brush over where he was sure there should have been a scar. He, like many others of his kind, had gone through a period in which he had been sliced apart by scalpels and knives, and he knew there should have been scarring. However, there were none. Years of laser treatment had left his stomach unblemished and lacking in the telltale reddish pink of damaged skin.

Yixing was not a tree covered in cicatrices, he was a smooth-skinned — _and modified_ — human being.

Yixing wondered if there was something wrong with him that the years of testing hadn’t picked up, he even entertained the thought that maybe he hadn’t been changed at all. The unsullied flesh under his hands helped to fool himself into thinking that. It was almost as if he could convince himself that he didn’t have a medical file that detailed the extraction of his embryonic and somatic stem cells in order for a group of scientists to stimulate the growth and nurturing of a womb with his genetic coding. It was delusional, the belief that he didn’t spend nights writhing in pain during his pre-adolescent years after numerous surgeries to prime him for womb insertion, configuration and adjustment. There was even a degree of doubt looming over whether or not his chip monitored and regulated just which hormones were coursing through his body and when.

His hand curled into a fist over where his scar used to be, he felt tired. His whole body was exhausted. No amount of engineering or surgery could alter that load of fatigue that never seemed to leave him. Whilst he was a commodity to be bought and sold, he knew he was still human. There was no other way to consider himself. He felt pain, like everybody else. He felt the pressure of responsibility, like everybody else. He felt obligated to play his part, like everybody else.

The Carrier drifted off to sleep, his body coiled around his stomach, to give himself that temporary haven of sleep. It was the only way he could escape having to watch Yifan walk through the doorways of the house with his shoulders sagged and feet scuffing on the floor. Of all the sights Yixing disliked were how Yifan would right himself, plaster a smile and comfort Yixing like he was the only one who didn't have what he wanted. The Host had never wanted his Carrier to actually see how much the negative return of Yixing's pregnancy test really impacted him. That was almost the most painful part of it all. So very almost.

Yixing was woken gently, his body was turned so he was laid out on his back and somebody lifted up his right arm as the bed dipped under the weight of something resting at the edge. There was a short moment where his hand was supported on a soft surface that wasn't his bed sheet before there was a loosening on his wrist. A fleshy pressure, a thumb, ran over where his skin must have been irritated by the bracelet. The soft, dull thud of metal being placed on his dresser had his eyes flickering open.

The light from outside had faded to a gentle pink glimmer, he knew the garden and driveway would be glowing with beautiful warmth from the setting winter sun on the other side of his window. He knew the bony nodules of the bare trees would be abated by the scene, transforming the barren forest into a scene of romantic bliss. Yixing could remember walking through the trunks and over the dead leaves with Yifan as they got to know each other, it was always quiet with only the sounds of their footsteps keeping them grounded. He missed those evenings. He wasn't worn down to the bone with dread then. He had been so optimistic. He had been ready.

In a short moment of loss, the thumb on his wrist moved to his cheek, wiping over something wet there. He closed his eyes again, pushing more of that wetness out of his eyes and a long breath out escaped his lips. It was like somebody had been holding his windpipe tightly since he'd left the clinic and that thumb tracing lines across his cheekbones unfurled the fingers that had stopped himself from breathing. He barely noticed that the exhale caught at the back of his mouth, the sob that left him didn't even jar him. He needed it.

His body was gathered up, his hands fisted automatically on the lapels of a suit, the silk crinkled under his grasp and his nose rested at the stiff collar of a shirt. His nose was clogged, he couldn't even smell the scent that usually managed to comfort him through everything and he sobbed harder. He couldn't even have the comfort he wanted.

"It's okay," a voice whispered. "Yixing, it's okay. I'm here."

He knew that, in the long run, everything would be perfectly fine. Baby or no baby, Yixing would always be told that each mistake, each mishap, each failing was _okay._  It's how things worked, Yixing couldn't know for sure but he could be told. As soothing as the words could be in his ears, he just wanted to have something certain that he could use to reassure himself above all else.

A mouth kissed up Yixing's neck, stopping at his hairline, and over all the sobbing, he could feel the inhales against his skin. This wasn't the normal process. Yixing didn't cry, he didn't have to be held and there weren't small, warm and definitely there droplets hitting his skin from above. The breaths under his ear were filled with tremors. Yixing withdrew from where he was curled up in the touch of his Host and placed their noses in line with one another. Much like how Yifan did, Yixing closed his eyes and let the almost suffocating warmth of their lamentation fill his senses.

His mouth opened, an apology sat there but didn't move to leave. Yixing's mouth hung open as he tried to force the words of sorrow and regret out.

"I'm sorry."

The words didn't come from Yixing. It knocked Yixing's own atonement offering to the back of his throat, leaving him gasping around it with his eyes flickering open to meet ones regarding him with a sadness, an emptiness. Yifan looked harrowed out, it was as if his soul had been scooped out by Yixing's hands and was left in pieces between them. Yixing's heart broke.

His heart wasn't supposed to break. That was the sting that penetrated the deepest and hardest. His love for his Host. His love for _Yifan_. It pricked into his skin, into his heart and into every synapse. He was not the same as when he first arrived to be with Yifan, he was only supposed to remain temporarily and fulfil his purpose in the world. In two years, all of the other Carriers Yixing's age that he knew were moving on to their second Host. They'd all fathered and mothered their first set of children, Yixing had nothing more than his identification number to his name and the permanent ink on his arm.

Two years, nothing but the brokenness of being told _no_ ringing in his ears. Two years, nothing but the forbidden love for Yifan. Two years, nothing but a record on his microchip.

Two years, nothing.


	2. 第二章

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> technology:
> 
> \- _microchips:_ they have all of the details of a person on them, they can become a control centre for hormones and blood levels, they're embedded into the person's whole physiology, they monitor the health and body of someone. they're connected to the implant, so things can be saved and displayed on the light system in the arm.  
>  \- _implants:_ like a phone/tablet/laptop but embedded into the brain, the "screen" shows directly into your eye and it functions through thought. it can be seen (externally) by someone as a small glimmer of light in the left pupil.  
>  \- _arm light systems:_ one system is colour lights - each light means something different. the second displays the time and date.  
>  \- _cars and vehicles:_ cars are driverless and they hover over the ground - they move a lot faster than cars now, but they can be slowed down. 
> 
> i hope you get this from the fic content, but just to be clear because they will be continually referenced throughout the fic

Taking walks around the garden was the only thing that seemed to soothe Yixing, feeling the frost crunch under his shoes and letting himself be immersed in the blueish-grey mist that curled around the trees was all he needed to breathe. The flowering winter buds came in whites, tipped with icy crystals Yixing wished to melt in his hands. The moss had turned to a deep green, drenched in the little runoff that came from further up the trees, and Yixing could imagine exactly how it would feel if he were to dabble his fingers in it. How cold it would be, how much it would refresh him.

His skin had taken on an unhealthy pallor, tingeing him in a slight hue of green that only worsened in his white clothes. Jongdae had been fussing over him, as had Lu Han and Minseok. The three of them had been pulling Yixing out of his bed, out of his room, to help him adjust after his disappointment.

It had worked, somewhat. He felt more like himself after washing himself and eating properly, he could see it, too. Not in his reflection but in the relief Yifan’s eyes held, the way his lips would curl just so when he watched Yixing from a spot in a doorway or a bed. It was better than the pity, sadness and fear that embedded itself into Yifan’s expressions for the few weeks after he had found Yixing coiled up on his mattress.

The air, whilst still below zero degrees, had begun to warm and Yixing knew that Spring would come soon. It would wash out the frost and snow, leaving green pastures and little buds of leaves on the trees. Yixing adored the winter when he could, when he was less of a zombie of himself. Being outside helped, sucking the frosty air into his lungs felt like his lungs were being wiped clean of everything that dirtied them.

Yixing strolled between the trees, straying further and further away from the house and right out to the boundary wall. He rested his palms on the bricks, looking up and allowing his neck to ache as he observed the top. It was still covered in snow and he didn’t want it to melt, everything looked so pristine when untouched. He had once been like that, unblemished and unmarred by his failures to live up to his purpose.

No matter where he looked as he turned, all he could see were reminders of everything he couldn’t do. He couldn’t blossom in the frozen cold, he couldn’t rest dormantly for warmer temperatures to come and he couldn’t sit perfectly on any boundaries. But still, the flicker of belief and happiness long off in the distance grew closer every day, they brightened with each time Yifan kissed the side of his mouth.

After such a winter, all Yixing could hope for was Spring. 

 

✼✼✼✼✼

 

A hand slid around Yixing's bare waist, a palm was flat against his stomach with fingers curling against his skin. Nails caught on his flesh, it wasn't malicious. It was delicate. A graze, not a scrape. There were plenty, over and over again. He was being scratched, like a kitten by its owner. He twisted into the touch, it was affectionate and calming.

He'd been nervous for days. He hadn't been sleeping well. His appetite had wandered off.

"Yixing," a voice cooed. "You need to get ready. Your appointment is in two hours and you have to get dressed."

The fingers continued their delightful task of running fingernails across his tummy, doing nothing to make him want to leave the bed he was splayed across but his left hand crept across the mattress. It was caught by another, his digits were curled back for a kiss to be placed in the tender centre of his palm. He was tugged, pulled upright with the hand petting his stomach falling away to support where he was sat up on the bed.

"I'm up," he mumbled, a smile curling at the edge of his lips and a laugh was let out over his ear, the air hot and tickling.

"You need to open your eyes up for me to believe that, Yixing." The voice came closer until his name was spoken into his surely unruly hair. He shook his head, refusing the voice coming from his left. There was another laugh. "Come on, Xing, you need to wake up soon."

"No, I don't," it sounded whinier than anticipated, but when lips pressed to his head, he found himself not curling away in embarrassment. "I can stay here all day, I don't _have_ to go to this appointment."

With a shriek leaving his lips, he was somewhat suddenly drawn up into the air and his eyes flew open in a natural state of panic. He looked at who had lifted him and found Yifan silently chuckling to himself. Yixing's Host had always been rather playful with him.

"Now that you're up and awake, why don't you use the bathroom to shower and I'll pick out some clothes for you to change into, hmm?"

Yixing expected Yifan to place him down on the floor and found a warm surprise when he was carried into his Host's bathroom and placed into the showering area. The taller of the two tapped on a screen that was inset on the wall, selecting the perfect shower setting to wake Yixing up to get him ready for the day. The carrier had always liked warm showers, the _Tropical Storm_ option had always been his favourite function to choose out, whilst Yifan's was the _Arctic Rain_ one. Yixing had never understood how his host could withstand such cold water on his body, but Yifan only ever shrugged it off.

That day, Yifan had selected for Yixing to be under the _Thunderstorm_ shower type before he stepped out of the showering space. The water was neither warm nor cold, it was tepid. The water had the scent of mint to it, it flooded in through Yixing's senses. He knew his Host would have selected something cooler than Yixing's normally scalding tirade of jets on his body, it was there to refresh him for the day.

Once Yixing's hair and body had been washed and rinsed, he shuffled across to the heated towel rack. He pulled the towel off, padding it on his skin until all the water was gone and by the time he had put the towel back to where he had got it from, the fabric was already dry. His clothes had been neatly deposited on the bed and Yixing could hear the noise of Yifan in his dressing room, searching for something.

When Yifan emerged, he could see his Host clicking his watch into place on his wrist. Yixing had always wondered what a watch felt like; if it hurt like his identification bracelet, if it was comfortable to sit there for hours, if it was even functional.

Watches had finished being made centuries before, with the turn of the world towards the digital and how the time could be told from the chip implant. Yixing had come to know, through Yifan, that a watch was a sign of wealth. Yifan's was a rarity, not one with a digital face but one with three sticks that turned. One long one moved more quickly than the others, the second long one moved slower but faster than the shortest one. Yixing didn't know how to tell the time on it. He would never need to.

He looked down on his own arm, the time and date glared up at him in white light beside the tattoo Yifan had put on him. The numbers he could recognise, he had always been taught in his childhood how to tell the time, but dates were meaningless to him. He couldn't read. He only ever knew which kind of appointment he had when a light blinked in his arm.

Red was a scheduled fertility appointment, blue was his pregnancy testing appointment, green was any other kind of health check-up. But, that day's light was pink. It was something for Yifan. The pink light only ever came when there was a scheduled event, occasion or, dare he imagine it, date with his Host. He always felt giddy whenever the pink light would flash on. Yellow was the light Yixing had only ever seen as a child, the one that showed physical pain, sickness and damage levels - the brighter it was, the more something hurt. He ran his finger over the patch of skin that the lights flashed from.

"Are you going to get dressed, then?" Yifan looked up at him to speak, making Yixing's arm drop down to dangle at his side. "You can't prance around naked all day."

"I was naked for the whole of yesterday," Yixing pointed out, making Yifan's fingers fumble slightly as he tried to clasp the watch onto his arm. The carrier smiled, he walked across the large room and ran his hand up Yifan's chest, enjoying how the Host kept his eyes fixated on the watch.

"Yesterday was Sunday," Yifan said, like that mattered to Yixing. He worked his days, not by name, but by whether he was with or without Yifan. "Today is Monday, which means I need to work and that you need to come with me to get your new suit fitted."

Yixing scrunched his nose up, withdrawing from Yifan to his thoughts of the last time he had been to the tailoring place with Yifan. It had been boring and Yixing had fidgeted so much that the machines had to take his measurements four times to get them accurate enough to create the clothing Yifan had picked out for him.

"I have enough clothing to last me numerous lifetimes, do I really need another suit?"

Yifan finally got his watch to fasten up and he instantly approached Yixing, who was still bare in the centre of the room. The Host's hands went to his waist, the size of his palms making Yixing's waist seem even smaller than it already did. His thumbs scratched, like his whole hand had, on Yixing's hips gently.

"I told you, there's a dinner with a strict dress code and you have nothing that fits it." Yifan kissed Yixing's cheek once he had spoken. "I know you don't like going to these places, but could you do this, for me?"

Yixing didn't like it when Yifan asked him to do things _for_ him, it made him feel obligated to fulfil the wants and desires of the man who had bought him. Though, he knew that the older never meant it that way. It was supposed to be affectionate, but it felt slightly oppressive. It always made him wonder what Yifan would be willing to do _for_ him.

"You can come to work with me and we can spend the day together?"

Yixing hadn't ever been to Yifan's work for a whole day, he had been given a tour to introduce him to Yifan's colleagues so that he would be a known face. Yixing was allowed to enter the building without it showing as an abnormality on his chip, he could move freely between the rooms and had access to all the staff's amenities. He just never went.

"Won't you be busy?"

"I'm always busy." Yifan's lips met Yixing's forehead. "But, I know you get bored here and that you don't really like going out without me, so I thought it would be nice for you. And, well, there's a degree of selfishness in it," Yixing's heart hammered as his Host spoke, "because I don't want to be away from you yet."

It was words like that, spoken so sweetly and with such sincerity, that Yixing could never assume they were not genuine. It's why he felt like his heart would crash and burn, it's why he had fallen in love. He could fool himself into thinking that Yifan loved him back. Yifan made it so easy for Yixing to trick himself.

Yixing smiled, he nodded his head. "I'm doing this _for you_."

"And that means the world to me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i will be trying to update this every (or every other) friday, from now on!


	3. 第三章

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please read my notes at the end!

The sky was bright, making Yixing squint as he peered out of the window of the car as it moved away from the house. The trees were draped in their seasonal brightness, wildflowers grew between the trunks that lined the road and the grass had grown tall through the season. Lu Han was humming along to the music setting he’d chosen for that day, he fiddled with the temperature in the car for the first few minutes before he sat mirroring Yixing. It was quiet, not the solemn kind, this silence bristled with excitement through and through.

For the first time in what had felt like forever, Yixing felt the buzz of travelling into the city. His fingers twitched on his lap, his lip was trapped between his teeth and his eyes just could not stop moving. It felt strange, the optimism. He was used to fidgeting in the grip of trepidation, contemplating his future with his eyelids heavy and his heart heavier. And yet, that had been replaced with butterflies the size of sparrows in his stomach.

Yixing could feel the thick tasting remnants of vomit in his throat, his teeth were coated with the freshness of toothpaste, but the bile hadn’t yet settled. He hadn’t had time to put his toothbrush down before he was seeking out Lu Han in the helpers’ quarters, it was sat in the cup holder between the driver and the Carrier. The younger of the two had explained in a garbled mess that he, through all the erosion of his happiness, felt hopeful as he pulled Lu Han out towards the garage.

The driver’s reaction had been instant, his pace picking up and they were practically jogging by the time they reached the outbuilding. Lu Han had been talking to someone through his implant, making the appointment for Yixing at the clinic. It was early enough in the morning that Yixing didn’t have to worry about the drop-in sessions being booked up already and he relaxed when Lu Han smiled, nodding at him in confirmation that there were enough beds and clinicians.

They were halfway there when Lu Han turned to Yixing, his body braced and eyes soft to say, "Are you sure this time?"

Yixing nodded, his fingers straightening out a little before the driver leant over to hold his hand. The Carrier’s palm was uncharacteristically warm and clammy, almost slippery to the touch, but Lu Han still maintained his grip to show his support of the younger.

The world outside of the car smudged to a blur as they picked up speed on the main roads, Yixing could still see the world changing as they entered the outskirts of the city and, like always, everything was a pure shade of pale grey, white or green. It looked clean from a distance, as if a light was shining down on all the buildings and skyscrapers from above to make it glow. But, as they drew closer, the more colour came. Electric and hologram billboards lit up almost every street, people dressed in plain block shades merged into one being as they moved past and the evergreen foliage that scaled up the city walls was refreshing.

It had been over a year since Yixing had properly noted how vibrant the inner city was. The fact that it was like the buildings grew out of the ground as it transitioned perfectly with nature. Yixing could remember Yifan telling him that he always saw it as a garden metropolis, that it made everything less clinical, more natural. As he looked at it then, Yixing could agree. He could smell how the flowers would fill the air with a sweet scent as the car’s air filters circulated oxygen, how clean the air tasted and how bees buzzed from wall to wall in search of nectar and pollen. Yixing had missed the summer.

They wove between the buildings, the music looped in the background and Yixing squeezed the driver’s hand even tighter as they drew closer to their destination. When they arrived, Yixing’s car door rose upwards to allow him out onto the street. Once he had stepped out, he made his way up some stairs into the clinic and hesitated slightly at the door.

Nodding his head with resolve, he scanned his chip and waited until the light turned green before the glass slid across to let him in. He made his way through another door, scanning his chip there, too, to get into the reception area. Yixing could see somebody stood at the front desk, their fingers tapped nervously on the metal surface and Yixing’s hands fisted at the bottom of his shirt before he moved forward.

Unlike everybody else in the building, the man ahead was in a suit that fit perfectly to his body, it set him aside and was a statement of status as it was. Only those from the highest echelons of society could afford such tailoring, everybody else was dressed in plain but practical clothing that were orderly from one person to another. Yixing wasn’t allowed out of the house in anything other than the uniformly coloured tunic and trousers when he was alone, nobody other than those with the appropriate microchips could wear anything else.

"Yifan," he called out.

The man turned around with a smile. Yixing felt everything else fade away at the sight of it, his own lips spreading apart to beam at the other. When an arm and open palm was extended towards him, he approached and took hold of it. Yifan’s hands were just like Yixing’s, slick with the sweat that excitable nervousness brought.

"What are you doing here?" As a busy man, Yifan had never attended any of Yixing’s appointments before, which had been a godsend when Yixing hadn’t been as certain as he was that day.

"I got the alert," Yifan lifted his arm, to show a flashing pink light, and Yixing could see the small screen of Yifan’s implant in his eye. "This wasn’t a scheduled appointment, my assistant didn’t make this one, and I guessed it was you. And you wouldn’t do this unless you were sure."

"Excuse me, sir," one of the male nurses interrupted, causing them both to look at him. "Your bed is ready."

Yixing nodded his head, following the man and tugging Yifan along behind him as they made their way past the men and women who were waiting to be tested. Unlike usual, Yixing was placed on a bed in the corner and a curtain was drawn around it to give more privacy. He knew it was because Yifan was there, the staff smiled at him as if he wasn’t just another face in their day like they normally did, but that didn’t dampen his mood. He held his host tighter with his right hand.

The woman, a person Yixing had recognised to be one of the lead consultants, made her way through. Her tone was polite, as was her smile, as she asked for Yixing’s arm to be scanned prior to the blood test taken from his wrist.

"You don’t have your tag on," she pointed out, and Yixing noticed that she was correct. He hadn’t expected to leave the house and, in all his frenzied enthusiasm, the thought of his tag had slipped his mind. It was what showed he was a Carrier, his eyes widened in a jolt of fear, he needed to wear his tag.

"You can access his files if you scan my arm, right?" Yifan interjected, noting how Yixing had blinked himself into a panic.

The woman looked at Yifan and nodded once, the suited man took off his jacket to unbutton his sleeve and rolled it up to his elbow. Unlike Yixing’s forearm, all Yifan’s displayed was the time, date and notification lights. There was no tattoo, no mark there at all, just digital numbers under his skin. She placed her scanning device over where his chip was placed and held it until an amber light flashed. The doctor had her tablet in her other hand and tapped on it a few times before looking at Yixing again, holding a smile that wouldn’t have been there had he gone alone without his tag.

The Carrier could see her analysing him, her eyes watching where Yifan held his hand and how Yifan’s finger brushed over where Yixing’s identification bracelet should have been. Her eyes flitted to where Yifan was, Yixing sensed she was trying to work out why Yifan wasn’t angered that Yixing didn’t have his tag on, as she didn’t know it was Yifan who unscrewed it anytime Yixing had it on. That was when Yixing’s attention shifted.

Yifan was normally a confident man, a self-assured one, but Yixing saw something else as he watched his Host sit beside him. He looked smaller, less secure, than Yixing was used to seeing. He was nervous, chewing on the edge of one of his thumbs, just like Yixing did whenever he was anxious. The Carrier could feel the anxiety radiating from Yifan, it was palpable and intense.

The shock of the needle piercing into Yixing’s wrist had his fingers tightening around Yifan’s, making the Host jolt in shock prior to running his thumb soothingly over the back of Yixing’s hand. Yixing focused on that pressure, ignoring how the woman was drawing out his blood for the machine to test; he could almost relax with Yifan sat right there.

"I’m sure your other half is very excited about all of this," the doctor chimed in, breaking Yixing away from where he was looking at Yifan.

That time, it was Yifan who squeezed Yixing’s hand, but not through surprise. _Comfort_. Yifan, for some reason Yixing couldn’t comprehend, was reassuring him, as if he knew the question would spike into Yixing’s heart harder than the needle in his wrist.

"Oh, I don’t actually have anybody," Yifan coughed out uncomfortably and the woman tilted her head. "The baby, well, it’s for me."

The doctor smiled tightly, her eyes thinned as she waited for the results to come through on her devices. It wasn't a regular occurrence for a Carrier to be bought by anything but a couple, the system had been put into place to ensure that both parents could remain working without the pressures of the pregnancy process. The Carriers were surrogates, often given treatment so that the DNA of both parents would be present in the child. However, Yifan's admittance to not having a partner was where the slight taboo lay. It wasn't Yixing having a baby for Yifan. It was Yifan trying to have a baby _with_ Yixing, their genes would be what created the life.

It wasn't normal, but it wasn't entirely rare.

They didn't have to wait long for the familiar beeps and lights to happen, the combination had Yixing's stomach plummeting to the ground and Yifan shuffled closer to where Yixing was half laid and half sat. They were loaded with anticipation, defiled with anxiety, until the doctor smiled.

And Yixing's heart stopped.

"Congratulations, Mr Wu," her tone genuine, "it looks like you're going to be having a baby."

The doctor leaving, Yifan pulling Yixing into a hug and Yixing's own tears went unnoticed by the Carrier. He couldn't believe it. He had been so sure through the rest of the morning that getting the confirmation was what made it unbelievable. It wasn't just him _thinking_ that he was pregnant, it was actually happening. There wasn't a part of his brain that had fooled him into thinking in that way, it was a genuine occurrence.

Yixing barely registered that he was ushered out of the clinic, down to the street and encouraged to get into a car he hadn't arrived in. All he could do was hold one hand to his stomach and let Yifan grip at the other, it was as if he had everything he wanted sitting in his palms.

 

✼✼✼✼✼

 

_In each direction, all that could be seen was clinically white, there was no scent to the air and the polished linoleum beneath Yixing's feet reflected the lights above as if they were shining up through the floor. His feet were pushed into pearl coloured slippers that squeaked slightly on the ground, his body was covered in thick cotton that kept him cool in the hotter months and warm in the winter season. He didn't know much else, he found the clothes he was given comfortable as they hung from his body._

_When he considered it, his tunic and trousers were no different to what the nurses that led him down the corridor wore. Only theirs were shades of blue, pink and green. From what he had heard from the nurses themselves was that almost everybody else in the world dressed just like them, plainly and inexpensively. Yixing had been told that it was to ensure that everybody in the workforce was equal. Though, they had also taught him of those that bought people like him, those with the money and the power to be considered out of the natural balance._

_The_ naturally _genetically favoured, the nurses called them. Yixing had understood that, given that most of his life had been structured around the altering of him and those like him. Those men hadn’t been changed, they’d been born into perfection and power. They were the people Yixing had been made for and Yixing always flushed at that fact._

_For Yixing, everything was altered on a genetic level to make those eligible to purchase him find him more desirable to reproduce with. Although, because the adjustments were made at such a minute level, he often couldn't tell what had been changed if it wasn't a visible one. He could never tell if any of the surgeries he underwent did anything to manipulate his inner character, he had no way of accurately knowing; he couldn't see it._

_While it was rare, Yixing knew of Carriers being created by commission. He had only ever known a handful in his time in the Centre, as it was rare for parents to want to streamline their children's choice in the Carrier that much. It did, however, mean that those who were tended to be the most altered, the most perfect for their Host._

_He had never known anything any different, the Centre wasn't a centre at all, it was constructed like a small city in the middle of the countryside. Yixing had guessed the name came from the time when it had only been a small facility where the first experiments and successes were made. He wasn't quite sure._

_Like everybody else, he had his own two room apartment, he was allowed to work and learn with his fellow Carriers, and it felt like home to him. He didn't feel like he was missing out on anything, the Centre was all he knew and he didn't mind the prospect of always being there. Yixing was as happy as he could be._

_As he passed down the corridor, Yixing's nurse turned to him and asked him to stand by the wall and he did as was told. He didn't know if it was another Carrier being rushed into a surgery; he didn't know if there was one of the random inspections the Centre had every so often, or if she needed to check something because her tablet had told her there was something happening concerning his body._

_They waited in silence, causing Yixing to look at the doors at the end in curiosity._

_When one of the liaisons officers appeared, Yixing creased his brow deeper to concentrate on where the woman was stood. There were a couple more moments before a group of three followed in after her, they were dressed in ways Yixing had never seen before and he knew his face was dripping with shocked intrigue. The men, dressed up in what Yixing didn't recognise, approached the part of the long walkway that Yixing stood in and the nurse beside him nudged his elbow._

_"Don't stare," she scolded, making Yixing move his gaze to look out of the large sheet windows to the courtyard garden that sat outside._

_As opposed to the sounds Yixing's and the nurses' shoes made on the flooring, the men's shoes clicked as they moved instead of the soft thuds or gentle squeaks Yixing had grown accustomed to over his years. Yixing wanted to look over his shoulder and stare, to take in the sight that was drawing closer._

_Yixing could only guess that those people were Hosts, the rich and powerful people of the world that Yixing knew; the kind he could possibly carry children for. He shuffled back, tucking himself into the side of his nurse as the prospect of what Yixing's life could be dawned on him as he stared out at the snow on the ground outside._

_"Ah, Yixing," the liaisons officer called and Yixing looked up to meet her smile. She was in her late sixties and had always given Yixing small sweets during his meetings with her when he was a child. She had always been kind to him, a favourite member of staff of his._

_"Hello, Mrs Sheng," he greeted, nodding his head down to avoid looking up at the men at her side._

_"This here is Yixing, he's seventeen and going through the last phases of his treatment," she introduced him and Yixing could feel the blood rushing up to his face. "We are quite sure he'll be leaving us as soon as he comes of age. He’s actually having his eye implant put in today, so he’s ready for the outside world. Say hello to these Hosts, Yixing."_

_The Carrier allowed his eyes to move up, to look at Mrs Sheng where she was stood with the men bracketing her. He chanced glances at the men, two of them were taller than the third by a great margin. They were handsome in their own ways. Genetically favoured, indeed, Yixing thought to himself. Yixing bowed down at his hips, exactly like he had been taught to._

_"I am Zhang Yixing, welcome to the Centre," he peered up as he spoke, being sure to look at the men without meeting their gazes. He offered a small smile, he knew it would show his dimple but he had never been ashamed of that imperfection. Apparently, the Centre wasn't either, the evidence for that being that Yixing still had it. "I hope you find whoever you're looking for."_

_"One of these men is the recipient of one of our commissions," Yixing's mouth rounded out in shock as he regarded Mrs Sheng. "Mr Wu’s Carrier is a year younger than you, so Mr Wu," she indicated to one of the tall men, the one that wasn't next to the shorter man, "is making the last few corrections without his parents."_

_There was only one commission a year younger than Yixing, he knew exactly who the man was there to see and smiled widely when he thought about it._

_"Good luck with Baekhyun," he beamed, finally looking at the man in front of him in his entirety. "He's eaten, so he'll be in a good mood."_

_The man grinned back at Yixing, it was a soft expression that had Yixing's heart thumping violently in his chest, he'd never been responded to in such a way._

_"You have a cute dimple," the man commented before one of lights on the liaisons officer's arm flashed a purple shade and she ushered them away. Yixing lifted his fingers up to the dent in his cheek when the man turned to head down the corridor, he didn't take his hand away, even when the man looked over his shoulder to glance back at him._

_Once he was gone, Yixing's hand stayed where it was._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as some of you may know, and others maybe not, kissfanxing is coming back for another round! If you’re interested in joining then click _[this link](https://twitter.com/kissfanxing/status/918503004671705091)_ and look at the replies to the tweet it’ll take you to, and you’ll find all the details for it there!  
>  (please note: prompting has finished)


	4. 第四章

It barely showed, the pregnancy, but Yixing still looked at himself in the mirror after having a shower to feel where he’d been told his child was forming. Minus the morning sickness and tiredness, Yixing had barely noticed a change in himself or his body, and a large part of him wanted to have something more substantial to become evident to him. He looked at how his towel still hung from his hips, that the bones and muscles still stretched under the skin and frowned slightly as he observed it.

He wondered if there would be any satisfaction if he looked down and saw a large bump, if his skin dotted with the jagged purplish-red lines of stretch marks or if he could feel something from the inside. Yifan had commented that Yixing’s body had changed, that his stomach had rounded a little, but Yixing really couldn’t see it. If anything, he thought he looked mildly bloated than pregnant, which more than likely since Yifan had a nutritionist move into the house to ensure Yixing’s diet was the best for the baby. His body had always reacted to major changes in diet and the difference in the foods he had been consuming had his stomach turning often.

One benefit, Yixing noted, was that his consumption of ginger helped with the morning sickness, his queasiness dissipated when he drank it whenever he could. He had tried to stay active, to go outside to the clean air and not isolate himself in his bedroom when Yifan wasn’t around, all those things he had been taught at the Centre.

Yifan had been able to set-up a Carrier account for Yixing, one Yifan can put an allowance into for him to use without Yifan needing to authorise any payments. It had explained that it was to ensure that Carriers could stay comfortable whilst their Hosts were at work. It was something that was supposed to be an assurance that the baby would remain safe and healthy without the presence of the parents at every moment.

It was a strange but wonderful thing for Yixing to be able to purchase items on his own, especially when he scanned his chip on the home information point for something to be delivered to the Yifan’s assistant, Kyungsoo, so he would bring it over. 

Yixing could browse baby clothing as he wished, he could select small gifts for the child and begin to build a welcoming environment for the child.

Deep down, Yixing knew his avidness to be so proactive was rooted in the fact that he didn't know how long he would have with his child after it had been born. He could have barely any time at all. He wanted to bask in the glow of parenthood for a while, to feel important to the child under the very real threat of Yifan trading Yixing in. A large part of Yixing felt sickened by the mere thought of somebody else, especially another Carrier, being around his baby unnerved him.

He wished to be the one that kept his child happy and secure. He didn't want the handful of months many Carriers were adjusted to. Though, few Carriers lived with their Hosts for as long as Yixing had. That was little consolation, however, as he was constantly teetering on the precipice of concerning himself over whether or not he would be replaced. He didn't think his heart could take it, being away from the baby and Yifan. Yixing didn't think he would be able to carry out his function, that was how much he was sure of losing both his Host and the child they had created together.

There was always the chance of falling in love with those the Carriers lived with, it was most often short lived and a fallacy many wished to believe. Yixing didn't want to be somebody like that. And yet, he knew what he felt for his Host wasn't a crush, it wasn't a fantasy cooked up by his mind to draw him into Yifan. It was something real, nothing Yixing had ever felt compared to it.

Each aspect of Yixing's feelings was spurred on by the tenderness of his Host. It was in the way Yifan combed through his hair with his hands, waking up tangled together in a knot with no beginning or end, talking to one another in hushed tones to keep away from prying ears. It was intimate, nobody was present to diffuse everything. There was no human force pushing them apart, there was nothing in their way when their bedroom doors were closed off.

Yixing shifted again, watching how his body moved before there was a voice calling from the other side of the door. It was one Yixing could recognise anywhere. Jongdae was one of the servants favoured by Yixing, he was loud but thoughtful, and Yixing needed that most often. It served as a distraction to the inward turmoil of his inner personality and the implications of that was Yixing rediscovering the art of carefree thinking. He did not need to remain pressured by his own responsibilities when he had Jongdae there with him.

"Yixing," the servant's voice came again. "Your clothes are on your bed."

The Carrier blinked a few times, hands moving to his towel as he tightened it around his hips to walk out of the room where he knew Jongdae was waiting. Once he had moved from the bathroom, he approached his bed and dressed as Jongdae fussed to clean up the shower after its use. Cotton always felt best against Yixing's skin, he hated whenever Yifan made him dress up in buttoned shirts and close-fitting trousers, it was claustrophobic. Yixing liked the flat, open collars of his tunics, it didn't induce the feeling of being strangled.

He never understood how Yifan could stand wearing such things all day as he worked, it was baffling to the Carrier.

"What are you doing today?" Jongdae struck up, making Yixing look over his shoulder to the other with a contemplative face.

He hadn't considered his plans for the day, it was one of those times where Yifan would be gone from breakfast until past dinner time. Apparently, there was new legislation to be discussed by Yifan and the others who held power, written documents about Yixing and his kind. The Host hadn't gone into detail about it, but Yixing knew there was something that worried Yifan. He would often frown when he walked in through the foyer to find Yixing; he would be busy talking through his implant well into the morning hours of the night; his assistant would constantly transfer files to the house for Yifan to look over on his days off.

Having such an important Host meant having a busy Host, and Yixing had known that from the outset, but he didn't realise that Yifan would be almost vacant for weeks on end. Especially when he was fulfilling his purpose of bearing his buyer's children. Yixing was used to being showered with affection, he was used to Yifan liking to sleep at his side. But, it was the fourth day that Yifan hadn't been properly home. He'd changed his clothes a few times before he left, placing a flying kiss on Yixing's cheek as he moved through the house like a flurry of snow.

The want to see Yifan, he wanted to make sure his Host wasn't tearing himself apart with stress. He wanted to do for Yifan what Yifan did for him.

"Do you think Yifan would let me spend some time with him at his office?" Yixing queried, his question muted by Jongdae collecting up Yixing's towel from where he'd left it on the floor. "Even if we just popped in to say hello?"

Jongdae considered the request for a short while, weighing up the options before nodding his head once. "I'll get your tag and tell Lu Han to get the car ready for you."

"Will you come with me?" Yixing knew he would be taking Jongdae away from the responsibilities the house gave him, he was never required to leave with Yixing. "It would be nice to have a little bit more than Lu Han at my side for once, plus Han wouldn't have to wait around for me alone."

It seemed that Jongdae heard the implied:  _ It would be nice to have a little bit more than Lu Han at my side in case Yifan rejects my company. _

With that sorted, Jongdae left the room with the intent of searching out the driver and Yixing lifted up his tunic slightly. He touched the slight curve that was there, letting his fingers coast over the skin again before dropping the material back down to rest on his hips.

The journey to the city was passed by with Jongdae and Lu Han taking it in turns to sing over the music playing through the speakers, the driver's choices had apparently been moulded by what the two servants listened to in their spare time in the workers' quarters of the house. They told Yixing of the evenings when they would spend hours with Minseok, the gardener, all listening to the music they'd found on the tablets Yifan had given them.

Their efforts to distract the Carrier was more than appreciated as Yixing's fingers wrung together in his lap, especially since the sensations of nerves amplified as they moved closer to the sleek glass and white metal government building. Yixing was the only one to exit the car and his fingers trembled as he scanned his arm on the reader by the door and stepped through the entrance when the glass panels slid across.

He had to have his chip checked again by the automated security section, his pink visitor badge was spat out by the machine and he pinned it to the breast of his tunic. He made his way to the elevator, stepping into the pod when it opened and he took a deep breath in. Yifan, on Yixing's first visit to the building, had explained exactly how the elevator worked, how it remained unattached to the building itself when it wasn't attached to the opening doors. Yixing had looked in wonder as the pod appeared to fly and hover up the side of the building in a speedy ascent, he'd never been nervous going into them. He had assumed that because Yifan took the elevator each day, it must have been safe.

When he got to the other end of the building, almost at the top, the doors opened and Yixing could see Yifan's assistant waiting there.

"Hello, Yixing," he was greeted.

"Hello, Mr Do." Yixing smiled, feeling at ease when he saw Kyungsoo. He was one of the men who had been there when he'd first seen Yifan, he had been there since the beginning.

"Yifan was surprised when he saw you'd been scanned into the building," the assistant noted. "In a good way, though. Things have been a bit crazy here, I'm sure he'll appreciate seeing you at this time."

"What's happening?" Yixing whispered as they navigated through the hallways to where Yixing knew Yifan's office sat at the outer edge of the skyscraper.

"I can't tell you much," Kyungsoo looked over his shoulder, his brows furrowed down, "but he's leading the opposition to some regulations the government wants to implement, and well, people are freaking out. It's a big panic."

"Why?" Yixing wasn't sure which statement his question was directed towards, but he guessed Kyungsoo would say all that he was allowed to.

"Having somebody of Yifan's influence and esteem opposing something like this is, well, it's unprecedented. It's assumed that, because he's a  _ Wu _ , that the rest of the world will follow behind him. There are few families that are as ingrained in our society as his, as you know, and he's building up his case to get two of the other families to follow behind him with his opposition."

"Isn't Chanyeol one of them?" Yixing asked, bringing up Kyungsoo's husband with an air of hesitancy.

"Well, yes, but he's being difficult," Kyungsoo's jaw ground. "The Parks doesn't see things how Yifan and I do."

"But you're married to him."

"I may be married to a Park but I'm not  _ one _ ," the assistant gave a gentle eye roll. "It's why I'm still  _ Do _ Kyungsoo, not  _ Park _ Kyungsoo. I'm essentially powerless in this situation, plus, Chanyeol has his whole family to take into account. Yifan doesn't."

"What do you mean?" Yixing frowned. "Yifan has a family."

"But they trust the head that's on Yifan's shoulders, they know how balanced he is; he's their only child. Chanyeol, he hasn’t got the trust of his whole family, he doesn't have them all in his corner. And that's just what he would need if he would even consider to support Yifan in this."

Kyungsoo stopped when he came to a glass cubicle, the one that sat outside of Yifan's office and moved his hand in a gesture for Yixing to enter the room. The glass had been blacked out where it was normally crystal clear as Yifan sat at his desk.

The Carrier entered the enclosed space, he didn't bother to knock and he saw Yifan resting his whole weight on the back of the chair he was sat in. Yifan didn't have a tablet on his desk, like Kyungsoo, but there was a thin glass panel that was alive with holograms that showed things Yixing couldn't comprehend.

"Yifan," he whispered, noting how the suited man's eyes flickered but didn't open. "Yifan, it's Yixing."

"I know." Yifan smiled. "Come here."

Yixing approached the older, keeping his strides confident as he walked around the illuminated parts of the glass. Yifan waved his hand as if he were swatting a fly and the screen flickered off, leaving them in the light coming in through the windows. The foliage that lined that side of the building could be seen at the edges of the floor to ceiling glass, Yixing always felt like he was looking down at the city from the canopy whenever he visited the office.

Yixing reached out, running his fingers through the older's hair and feeling the soft strands. Yifan's eyes fluttered again, making Yixing's lips curve up at the edges and he ran his thumbs across his Host's cheeks. He always felt something bubbling inside of him whenever he was allowed to be affectionate, it allowed his love to come to the surface and overflow out. It was all he wanted to do whenever he was around Yifan, certainly since he know how stressed Yifan was likely to be.

"What brings you here?" The roughened inflexion on Yifan's voice made Yixing drop his fingers down to the older's throat, resting there until Yifan's voice stopped vibrating.

"I thought I would come to see you," Yixing hummed, walking his fingers across Yifan's shoulders to slide them down his sleeved arms. "You've not been home for a while; we miss you."

" _ 'We' _ ?" Yifan questioned, finally opening up one of his eyes.

Yixing took both of Yifan's hands and brought them up under his tunic, allowing them to rest on his stomach and Yifan's mouth split into a smile before Yixing could even speak. "Both of us."

"It's bigger," Yifan commented, letting his fingers explore in creeping movements across the younger's skin.

"What is?" Yixing's head tilted to the side.

Yifan's fingers pressed in that little bit more, "The bump."

Yixing frowned, he was sure he didn't have a bump, and he voiced this concern to Yifan, getting only an affectionate laugh as a direct response.

When the taller's eyes opened fully, he was looking at Yixing with a softened expression as his thumbs caressed in circular motions across Yixing’s flesh.

"I've touched your stomach enough times in the past couple of years to know that there's definitely a bump here. Not a big one, but one all the same."

Yifan sat forward, his hands moving up Yixing's abdomen to reveal where the older said there was a bump, he leant on his hands and pressed his lips against Yixing's bare skin. It had the Carrier shivering, his hands moving away from Yifan's hands back to his hair. The Carrier played with the strands, trying to fight the urge to giggle at the feeling of Yifan's breath against his navel, breathing in sync with the older. It was tender moments that passed like that, minor blips in their time together, where Yixing let himself run loose.

"Can you feel it?" Yifan's question was felt on Yixing's stomach before it was heard, leaving Yixing with a shiver rushing own his spine. "The baby, can you feel it?"

Yixing hummed. "No, that happens further along. It's too small at the moment, still a cluster of cells."

"Could we see it on a scan?" Yifan's head dipped down, pressing a kiss on Yixing's supposedly slight bump.

"I think so," Yixing murmured, his brows furrowing, as he tried to recall what he had been taught at the Centre,

Yifan's face looked up at him, no longer separated by the cotton of Yixing's clothing and he was smiling. It was so wide, so gummed, that Yixing's heart didn’t know what to do with itself; should it skip a beat? Move faster? Or, stop beating altogether? His breath decided for him by getting trapped in his throat, given how his brain couldn’t process anything other than the wonder plastered all over Yifan's eyes.

They watched each other, faces grinning and hands holding one another, until Yifan blinked a few times over. He withdrew completely from Yixing, leaving a hole that grew whenever the Host retreated back from the Carrier to widen. Yixing stood there idly, observing how the suited man approached a locked cabinet in the left of the room. He scanned his arm as Yixing watched on, he took a box out and brought it back over to where the pregnant man was stood, waiting for him. There was writing all over the box where the words flickered in their hologram form. The image of something transparent and crisply made flashed up.

Yixing wished he could read. He wanted to know what was inside the container, but he had no way of ever knowing on his own. Not when everything other than the pictures made sense to his eyes and brain.

"Open it," Yifan urged, handing the cuboid form to him. Yixing felt the weight in his hands, it was barely anything at all and he drew his brows back in again. Still, he did as Yifan requested and removed the packaging from within the box.

He brought the clear device, that had been on the packaging’s projection, out into his hands, holding and moving it around in hopes that doing as such would tell him just what the item was.

"What is it?" Yixing queried after a while, still unable to identify it himself. 

He did not even flinch when Yifan sat back down, used his hands to usher Yixing's body towards him and drew him onto his lap. Yixing straddled Yifan like that on his chair, the white piece of technology propped up by Yixing’s hands between them. The item in his hands wasn’t of much importance to his mind when Yifan’s hands ran up the outside of his thighs to settle at Yixing’s hips, the touch was just enough to have Yixing’s heart struggling in his chest again.

"It's a scanner," Yifan explained, and it was the excited lilt to his voice that shifted Yixing’s temporary lack of focus back onto the device. 

It didn’t look like the kind of scanner Yixing was used to seeing, those were almost always a matte black. However, that one, the perfectly transparent pebble, was far smaller than Yixing anticipated.

"Show me your chip."

By instinct, Yixing followed what his Host said and Yifan took the scanner out of his hands. Firstly, Yifan kissed the black ink of Yixing's tattoo, the spot where Yifan’s personal crest was permanently embedded into Yixing’s skin. Then he placed the scanner over it. A white light rim appeared around it, showing that it had been activated, and Yifan held it in place with a smile. A green light glowed gently  for a moment before the item flickered a small projection up between them.

It registered as a mess of black and white light before Yifan's finger ran in a direct line down the device. The colours appeared then, in pinks stained with areas of red before something else showed. Yixing took a few moments to register what he was seeing before memories from his education at the Centre appeared in his head. 

"Oh my god." He was astounded. The hand that wasn’t attached to the arm Yifan's moved upwards to cover his mouth. He was in shock. Even if he had seen a thousand images that were all the same at the Centre, he was in awe. No part of him believed what he was seeing. "Is that...? Is that  _ our _ baby?"

Yifan nodded, not blinking at the fact Yixing said  _ our _ and not  _ your.  _ The projection was so clear, so detailed, Yixing could see the strange shaping of the embryo, how it attached to the walls of his womb insertion and its heart raced in its chest. He chanced a glance at Yifan, and his whole life shifted when he saw his Host with wet eyes, showing such a peacefully happy expression that Yixing had never seen before.

After a few minutes, their eyes met above where the projection was suspended between them, and Yifan was the first to move. He took the device away from Yixing's arm and let it fall to the ground. When he lifts his hand to place it at the back of Yixing's neck, Yixing’s drawn down into a kiss. Yixing's mouth was ready and waiting when Yifan's tongue pressed forwards, and the heat of their mouths met somewhere in the middle. Yixing's eyes closed with a flitter he couldn’t help. 

He was powerless to the way Yifan kissed him, the lack of urgency entwined with the exhilaration that came with it had his fingers trembling as they drifted to Yifan’s jaw.

When they pulled back, Yixing could see how pink and wet Yifan's mouth was and he wished he could run his tongue along the lower lip. But Yifan spoke, completely flooring Yixing.

"Thank you so much." Yixing's eyes moved up to meet with his Host's. "I'm so happy it's you."

 


	5. 第五章

Fingers moved to Yixing's neck, toying with the silk that was sandwiched by the collar of his shirt. He was pouting, he hated the restrictions ties brought him, especially when his stomach was beginning to round out under the soft pink shirt he had donned for the event. The worst part of it all was his jacket, the double-breasted suit with its peak lapels and three sleeve buttons on either side was a piece of torture for Yixing. He didn't want to be wearing it. Nothing else made him feel as claustrophobic as the pinstriped jacket and trouser combination did.

The fabric of the clothing was soft, Yixing liked running his hands over the material, but that didn't mean it didn't scratch at his skin. He wanted his tunic back, he wanted the freedom and airy nature of his normal clothing. Not the strangling substance of his button-down shirt.

"Don't play with it too much," Yifan's voice flooded in through Yixing's senses and he nodded, bringing his hands away to place them in his lap. "I know you don't like it; we won't be there for long."

Yifan's hands reached for Yixing's, holding them tightly and weaving their fingers together to rest them on Yixing's left thigh. Relaxation through Yifan's touch wasn't something unknown to Yixing, it had been a simple part of his day from the very beginning. And yet, there was something constantly evolving about the way Yifan's hands moved against Yixing. There was the sensation, Yixing felt, that Yifan was trying to soak him into his touch-memory. It was a consistently gentle shift from brushes to caresses. It impassioned Yixing, sat him on a precipice of a feeling he didn't want to recoil from.

With both Yifan and Yixing in the car, Lu Han was given the evening off, and Yixing was thankful for that for a few moments. Yifan had begun to kiss his neck, the incredibly sensitive skin tingled under the tender pressure and Yixing felt himself melting backwards into the seat, into Yifan.

"Everything will be okay," Yifan whispered, the lowered but breathless quality of his voice grazed itself into Yixing's bones. "We're there to talk to a few people, eat some vol-au-vents and hors-d'oeuvres, and then we can come straight home."

Yixing nodded, frowning slightly as he rested his head on Yifan's shoulder whilst the car moved. Yixing didn't want to be filled with nerves, he thought he had long since rid himself of the anxieties of spending evenings with those like Yifan. The rich, the beautiful and the powerful. Still, it was his first event as a pregnant Carrier, as the one who was actually bearing Yifan's child inside of him.

The fears inside him weren't necessarily _because_ he was pregnant, it all lay within the _how_ for Yixing. They were to be the only Host and Carrier pairing that would have created the life within Yixing together, each other Carrier was partnered with a couple. In actuality, Yixing would be the only Carrier at the gathering who would be the other genetic half of the embryo within him. Each of the others had either been modified to accommodate the DNA of their Host couple, or they acted solely as surrogates. Yifan's baby, _their baby_ , wasn't created in either way.

It was only the two of them, no extra treatment or manipulation.

That's what had his hands glittering with sweat in Yifan's larger ones, he didn't know how the other Carriers would react to him, or how the Hosts would receive Yifan. What had once been established grew into instability. Yixing didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to anticipate.

The only entirely pure element to the evening was that Yixing would have Yifan at his side from the moment they leave the car until Yixing is tucked into bed the moment they return home. Through the anxieties and the clammy palms, Yifan would be there with his soothing touches and tones. And there he would remain.

It's an apartment they walk into, it's brown with the odd flash of duck egg blue that colours the space in front of Yixing. It teeters between the cusp of homely and extravagant as they walk through, Yixing knows that the suede sofas aren't cheap, likely to be buffed out of the most expensive of leathers. If anything, the rooms weren't sincerely inviting. They were designed that way, manufactured to seem welcoming, and Yixing saw right through it. He knew the couple who were hosting the party, they made his skin crawl until all he could do was cling to Yifan's arm for any sense of security.

From the way Yifan's hand kept Yixing flush to his body, he knew exactly what Yixing was thinking, what Yixing was dreading.

"Oh, sir," a woman called out, voice grating and laced with a twinge of something too sweet to be genuine, just like the apartment, "you're here."

Yifan nodded stiffly, his fingers readjusting in Yixing's to hold them tighter. The woman smiled, obviously anticipating Yifan's arrival, as she urges one of the workers to offer Yifan the cognac he always drank. Yixing, however, is left forgotten by the hostess as he fawns over Yifan.

"Do you want anything?" Yifan made a point of focusing on Yixing, a subtle rejection of the woman's ignorance. Yixing lifted his head to meet Yifan's gaze, staring for a few moments before nodding his head in confirmation. "What would you like?"

"Orange juice," Yixing whispered, his eyelashes fluttering. "If there is any."

Yifan broke their locked gaze to raise his eyebrows at the woman in front of him, her face flushed an ugly shade of pink and she instantly looked over at the worker who had given Yifan his drink with a deep, threatening scowl. The young man scurried off back into the private rooms of the lavish apartment and Yifan watched as Yixing gazed after the worker, Yixing could see that from the corner of his eye. It was that Yixing knew what it was to be invisible, to be the helper, and his awkwardness grew as he was waited on by others.

He didn't mind the employees back at the house, they often grew mildly offended whenever Yixing attempted to do something on his own. Not to mention the fact that Yifan was a kind employer, never once had he embarrassed one of his staff like that. Nor did he allow his guests to treat those like Jongdae and Minseok with anything other than respect.

Yet, Yixing could see the woman in front of them. Born into wealth and power, not quite to Yifan's level but considerably more than the average person, and no sense of sincerity. He knew that she thought herself above her staff and Yixing, that her attention had to be focused on Yifan because he was what everybody aspired to be. Influential, assertive and _desired_ _._ Yixing had been witness to how many men and women vied for his attention, latching themselves onto his Host and wishing to inflate his ego in hopes of resting in his favour.

Yixing could recognise the woman's eyes taking Yifan in, her eyebrow twitching as she glanced down his body and a smile played at the corners of her mouth. The Carrier loathed it, and the woman. He, turned into Yifan's touch, caressing an arm across Yifan's torso to leave it resting on the hip furthest from Yixing's body. He wanted to be bolder, to start kissing up Yifan's throat and dig his fingernails into his Host's hair in the way Yixing knew he liked.

In all his years at the Centre, Yixing hadn't ever imagined being possessive, he had always been placid and temperate, uncaring of those around him and only wanting to fulfil his purpose. But in a twist of fate, one that was seductive and tempting, Yixing found a darker side to himself. One that was drenched in covetousness. And Yixing had suspected that the pregnancy had only worsened things; there was something that bound Yixing to Yifan, and vice versa, that nobody could take from him.

He looked up at his Host, face almost pressed up on Yifan's cologne dappled neck with his nose skittering along the skin. Yixing felt Yifan shiver at the barely-there touch and licked his lips, his tongue brushing gently on Yifan's throat as it ran across Yixing's lips. Yifan's arm that had been positioned politely against Yixing's spine sank into a grip on his hip that brought Yixing closer, and Yixing stared at Yifan's Adam's apple, how it bobbed when he gulped down his drink and how it was well within biting distance.

Yixing's eyes cast momentarily to the woman. She was gaping at them, at how Yixing draped himself across Yifan and Yixing wished he could see his Host's face. To note if he was challenging the woman, to see if he remained indifferent or if there was a heated expression of embarrassment there. Yixing chanced a glance at his Host and was startled when Yifan was looking directly back to him, boring into Yixing with his eyes. Not what Yixing had expected at all. Yifan didn't even acknowledge the woman stood to their side, he licked his lips like Yixing had, and Yixing's clung to Yifan's hips with what felt like desperation.

"I have your orange juice," a soft voice interrupted, making Yixing blink a few times before he relinquished his clawing fingers from Yifan's waist and accepted the drink from the server.

Yixing was sure to bow his head and mutter his appreciation for the drink as he settled back to his Host's side, a little less boldly but present on Yifan's body. The woman's smile at Yifan had turned stale as she watched Yifan's hand begin to rub on Yixing's stomach that was barely concealed by his suit, she could see it. Yixing was nauseated by the flash of mild disgust on her face at the sight of Yixing actually bearing Yifan's child, things no longer staying in hypotheticals for the unconventional pairing because everything was real.

It appears Yixing wasn't the only one to catch the lapse in the woman's sugar-dusted veneer, Yifan pushed gently on Yixing's waist and pushed them past the woman and further into the apartment. It was a mildly intense experience for Yixing, thrust from the interaction with the hostess and the worker into a room that swirled with people like Yifan with those like Yixing interspersed between them.

"An hour, I promise," Yifan whispered in Yixing's ear as they approached the first cluster of people.

Kyungsoo saw them first, taking in the sight of them before his jaw dropped slightly prior to smiling widely Yixing was certain it should have hurt the other's mouth. It was then that Kyungsoo elbowed his husband, whispered something in his ear and he jumped around to stare at Yifan and Yixing, who were almost upon them.

"Congratulations," the both of them beamed, their voices tinged with laughter. They regarded Yifan first, making Yixing's Host turn pink and place his hand over Yixing's stomach once more. Kyungsoo turned to Yixing and ran his fingers through the Carrier's hair, allowing Yixing to relax into the setting of the room knowing that Yifan's earnest assistant and best friend was there.

"This is really great," Kyungsoo spoke softly to Yixing, he stepped closer to him and Yixing could not halt his grin. "I'm really happy for you, you've waited so long for this."

"What's going on?" An even lighter voice chimed in and Yixing felt his stomach churn slightly.

The moment between the four men had caught the attention of others, and Yixing couldn't stop himself from returning to a somewhat timid state as people began to congratulate Yifan. Some with gritted teeth, some with genuine smiles and some with sharp eyes. The latter irked Yixing, he wanted to curl away from those looks. He knew them, they were the people who approached Yifan asking him when they can have their turn with Yixing or the ones that touched Yixing a little too intimately on his face and arms when he didn't even know his name.

It took a total of thirty minutes for each person to make a face-to-face comment to the pair, most of them ignoring the fact that Yixing was there, and that Yixing was also a parent. Everything was about Yifan and how he felt about it was the focus of each person, Yixing was somewhat thankful for that. He had never liked being in the spotlight, hating the scrutiny from people he barely knew. And yet, he was envious, he wanted people to recognise that Yifan's baby was _his_ , too. He could not say anything about it, it was not his place to speak out and make people aware that the baby would be half of Yixing, not wholly Yifan.

Once people had done the rounds of superficial praise, Yifan was sucked into talk about his work and Yixing was allowed to stand at his side. In fact, Yifan's hand on Yixing's stomach never left, as if it was what could soothe Yifan whenever somebody said something he didn't agree with. The baby brought the older comfort, Yixing's purpose as a vessel of life was being realised and he could not stop himself from smiling. Despite also wishing that he was the cause of the contentment Yifan desired.

When things began to draw to serious subjects, most of the Carriers were ushered away and some of the people stood around Yixing began to hint at taking their discussion somewhere with more privacy. Away from listening ears and prying eyes, away from Carriers who shouldn't hear sensitive information. Yixing didn't want to leave Yifan's side when they agreed upon shifting into the dining room to talk, he wished he could stay nestled between Yifan and Kyungsoo where they stood in the reception room.

It was a petulant thought, but Yixing could make sure nobody approached, or looked at Yifan, in the way that the hostess had when they'd arrived. He was there to assert himself as the Carrier Wu Yifan had chosen out of all of the ones from the centre. Yixing, when present, could stake his meagre claim on Yifan, but when he was absent, what use did he have?

"It won't be long," Yifan promised, his mouth caressing Yixing's ear as he spoke and his hand ran up and down Yixing's back, soothing him. "When I come out, we can go straight back home, okay?"

"Do you have to go?" Yixing whined as quietly as he could, not wanting everybody to hear that he wished to cling to his Host.

Yifan weighed up his options, Yixing could see it in his eyes and the older looked around, taking in the concentrated seriousness of his colleagues and he nodded slightly. "I do, but I'll come back."

"I know," Yixing whispered, "I just don't want to be alone."

Yifan kissed Yixing's neck, aiming to make him feel at ease and assuage what Yixing felt. It helped, to a degree, but it didn't stop Yixing's heart from sinking as Yifan pulled away.

"You'll be fine," he was assured by the taller. "Go talk with the others and it'll pass in no time."

Yixing was under no illusions that the time would tick by as quickly as he wished when it came to Yifan not being at his side, it never worked out that way. Loneliness festered in Yixing so rapidly it couldn't be fought off, it was almost as fast as the insecurity he never wanted hanging over his head.

Even though it had shifted down to a simmer, Yixing still raged with the need to display that he had the rights to Yifan that he did. There was no other way to twine them together, other than delving into the physical and Yixing knew he could never verbalise that he wanted Yifan to be his. He was stuck as his Host moved away from him, his foot cemented to the floor as it weighed him down. He hoped that touching his slowly growing bump would bring him the soothing sensations it appeared to bring Yifan.

It was, to an extent, confirmation to Yixing that there was still that unbreakable cord between him and his Host, one all of the other Carriers in the apartment didn't have.

"Yixing," a familiar, and dreaded, voice aired behind him. He didn't want to turn around and see the one person who could possibly rival him in his connection with his Host. There was always somebody in Yixing's life that could outdo him, leaving him suspended in apprehension and anxiety.

"It took you a while," the voice neither taunting or teasing, it was fringed with confidence in Yixing's insecurities. "It's been, what? Two years?"

Finally, Yixing turned on his spot and saw Baekhyun, his perfection emitting into Yixing's consciousness like a billboard for everything Yixing wasn't.

"Something like that," Yixing nodded his hand, his arm shifting somewhat defensively in front of the curve of his lower stomach.

"I guess that means it won't be long before he trades you in, right?" Again, there was nothing purposeful spiteful, just probing in the most horrifying of ways. "It would be a long time coming."

A few more Carriers approached them, some curious and others close friends of Baekhyun. Yixing wasn't a regular occurrence at such events, Yifan knew he hated them and usually managed to get out of needing to invite Yixing. The pregnant Carrier was somewhat detached from the norm; he lived outside the city, his Host wasn't social unless he had to be and when they did see each other, he was at Yifan's side.

"I guess so," Yixing's voice receded to a breathless murmur and Baekhyun smiled at him. No dimple; no imperfection.

"Then I might actually get to have the one I was supposed to have," Baekhyun stepped even closer, Yixing's arms tensing around his unborn child. "I've always wondered what it would be like to finally have Yifan, I'd always been told I would have him, we all now that. I was made _for_ him, changed and tweaked until I was everything he would want. But alas, he wanted you first."

Yixing didn't respond, he couldn't, what could he say?

"But I want to know what makes you better than me?" Baekhyun's head tilted to the side. "I was created to be perfect. I _am_ perfect. Still, he picked you. Out of everybody in the Centre, he chose you, not me or anybody else. And I want to know why."

It was something Yixing had thought about often in the earlier days of being with Yifan, about why he was chosen. He'd only encountered Yifan once, those short minutes in a half white and half glass hallway of the Centre. Yixing wished he could formulate an answer, one that would tell Baekhyun all he wanted, and needed, to know about what happened in Yifan's mind. He wished he could ask, that he could probe to find out the answers. And yet, he couldn't.

"I don't know."

He was honest, not covering the truth or endorsing a lie. There was nothing to be said because nothing could be said. Yixing was not Yifan. Yixing did not know what Yifan thought. Yixing had no power at all.

"What? Hasn't he told you why he picked you out? Why he's kept you around for so long only to get results now?" Baekhyun wasn't being malicious, Yixing had to repeatedly remind himself of that. Baekhyun had been designed to be the perfect person for Yifan. Yifan prided honesty and thoughtfulness over most other traits; Baekhyun was those things. It was how he'd been modified, altered to slot beside Yifan and give him everything he desired in a Carrier. "You really don't know why he would pick _you?"_

No matter how much Yixing tried to convince himself, to chant over and over in his head that it was forward curiosity that made Baekhyun ask such things, they still _hurt_ _._ Each new word was like a needle poking into his skin, embroidering and stitching Yixing's every insecurity onto his skin for all to see. He could feel his eyes watering, his fingers shaking and his legs aching. His brain, every ounce of his being, was screaming, clawing, to find safety, to find Yifan.

"I will have him," Baekhyun iterated. "It's my purpose."

And that was exactly the problem, what purpose did Yixing have? He was not picked, was not designed, was not made perfect, by anybody who came to the Centre. The dimple in his cheek was a blaring siren of evidence to that fact. They hadn't bothered to change what some of the other Carriers called a deformity, was Yixing really not worth being altered to be without flaws?

Before he could stop himself, his eyes blinked a few times over, spreading his tears onto his lashes and leaving them to dangle there. "Please don't take him from me."

" _You_ took him from _me_ _,"_ Baekhyun reminded Yixing, causing that voice of his nightmares to vibrate around his head.

Baekhyun was going to take Yifan from him.

"I won't let you take him away from me," he tried to stand his ground, the touch on his baby bump and the echoes of his covetousness from earlier in the night giving him strength. But his voice laced itself with watery tones. "I won't let him go."

"You don't get to decide that," Baekhyun's every sentence was a reminder to Yixing of his powerlessness. "We have to let go. Always. We cannot choose, no matter how infatuated we are with our Hosts or Hostesses. If he doesn't want you, he will not choose you. And I will be there to follow my path with him."

It could have been the pregnancy or the nerves, or just the overstimulation from the whole night bubbling over to its climax, but Yixing wanted Yifan at his side. So much of his body itched to create a display with Yifan, much like the one he showed the party's hostess, to ward off any others that they didn't know Yifan.

That tiny piece of information was what had Yixing tumbling deeper into the pit of loving his Host. He was the only one who knew Yifan on a personal level. He knew how Yifan comforted, how he slept, how he ate his eggs, how he combed his hair, how he kissed, how he walked through the gardens, how he cared. He was the only one in that room that _knew_ Yifan. The rest of them thrived on meagre speculation and what Baekhyun had been taught in his years at the Centre.

When Yixing didn't move to counter what Baekhyun had said, the other Carriers had begun to discuss how they would like a Host like Yifan. His house outside of the city was a dream for them. How attentive he was to Yixing was what every Carrier dreamed of as a child. He, unlike Yixing, was perfect. And it wasn't even manufactured.

"Baekhyun," a voice, firm yet affectionate, reverberated from the back of the room and the Carrier stood closest to Yixing backed away.

Kyungsoo came forward, tugging slightly on the waist of the Carrier he'd called out to, he spoke in a quiet voice with his eyes flicking to Yixing every so often. Baekhyun belonged to Chanyeol and Kyungsoo, he had already given them one daughter. Yixing guessed they were trying for another, otherwise, Baekhyun would have been sent back to the Centre when the baby was a few months old.

Yixing came to the realisation that if Kyungsoo had appeared, Yifan wouldn't be too far behind. The pregnant Carrier brushed past some of the others, he shimmied his way through to approach where his Host had disappeared off to. He found him instantly, his form branded into Yixing's eyesight, and edged closer. Yifan lessened the gap between them again, his hand immediately going to the baby bump with his head tucked into Yixing's shoulder.

The Host pressed a few kisses to Yixing's nape, breathing so deeply Yixing had thought Yifan was smelling him. He could feel how rigid Yifan was under his suit, even without hugging the older and Yixing felt eyes burning into his back. He knew that the other Carriers were watching. Maybe Baekhyun was one of them, maybe not. He had no way of telling without turning away from Yifan. Instead, he wrapped his arms around his Host's neck and felt that fire lick its way up his body.

He could finally show the other Carriers, show the room, his muted claim on the older.

With his weight moving onto the balls of his feet, Yixing pressed his body flush against Yifan's and let his lips brush up past Yifan's jaw. He kissed the Host once on the corner of his mandible and could purr when he felt the gesture returned at the edge of his cheek. Howbeit, Yifan didn't move his mouth away. He continued to kiss around his Carrier's face, leaving trails of gripping lava in his wake.

Yixing's body was on fire, it thrummed and hummed when he dug his fingers and nails into Yifan's hair. He kissed him back, closer to the taller's mouth and the sharp force of confidence hammered its way through his brain. Yifan kissed Yixing first, but it was Yixing who bit and nibbled Yifan's lips and him who pressed forth with his tongue.

He knew people were watching, he thrived on it. He was showing the room that Yifan was his host, that Yixing was Yifan's Carrier. That there was something there that couldn't be ignored by anybody. Forest fires of desire sprung up in Yixing's body, making him make each action that little bit _harder_ _._ Yixing was keen to show people, so prepared to reveal each detail about Yifan and how he responded to Yixing's body and ministrations.

Yifan's arms went around his waist, gripping and touching the spot with large, firm hands that pushed all thoughts of Baekhyun out of his mind. All he could see, all he could feel, was how Yifan handled him and moved with him. Yixing's body was crushed into Yifan's, the bones of his hips digging into Yifan's clothing clad body and the curve of his sternum hit the base of Yifan's. Rather than being focused on ferocity, their kiss was one built around depth and that fizzling sensation that had bubbled in Yixing's stomach.

Yixing's left hand began to caress down Yifan's neck, curling into the collar he found at the base and used it to anchor himself down. One of Yifan's hands wandered too, slipping vertically across Yixing's thigh as he lowered to get their bodies closer. Always closer.

Somebody nudging into Yifan had the older pulling his mouth away from Yixing's, their breaths hot and heavy between their faces. Yifan broke the tiny string of saliva that dangled between them by licking his lips, the corners of his mouth flicking up into a kitten smile.

"I needed that," the taller whispered, righting his back to look at the hostess with the slight grin maintained on his face.

"Does your Carrier need a moment to collect himself?" She didn't look at Yixing, her eyes centred solely on Yifan. "I know how they can get when they're expecting, all those hormones getting the better of them."

Yifan turned his head slightly, a flash of white showing in his eyes as he rolled them and turned back to Yixing. His smile grew wider as Yixing blinked up at him, his mouth still hanging agape slightly from where Yifan had drawn away from him. "I guess that's our obligatory hour here over then."

There was a muted gasp, the sound showing that offence was taken from what Yifan had said. And Yixing knew that it his Host had worded his retort to the woman, a snide comment that they knew the woman wouldn't rebut through fear of embarrassment. Especially when Yifan had kept his voice low, only Yixing and the hostess were in hearing range.

Yixing felt himself smiling at the older, his expression of amusement was mirrored for a few seconds before Yifan started to guide Yixing out towards the exit of the apartment. The Carrier plastered himself to the side of Yifan's body, still holding his collar but his other hand had fallen to rest at the other's waist, Yixing could not let go. He would not allow himself to.


	6. 第六章

September had always felt wonderful against Yixing’s skin. The sun still held its heat but the leaves on the trees had begun to pale down. The flowers, too, were hitting their swan song as they reached their final bloom. Colours had started  to shift and Minseok’s summer treatments had left the grass soft under Yixing’s skin where he’d rolled his trouser legs and sleeves up. He’d always loved sitting on top of the hill behind the house as the seasons transitioned, he could observe how everything framed the building in something new and ever-changing.

Even with the trees behind him, Yixing chose to sit in the sun to soak in as much of it as he could before its warmth would be masked with coldness in the coming months. It was a peaceful time, letting him relish in the tranquility before he was fetched for dinner.

He’d had more time, more so than usual, without Yifan at his side and whilst the isolation should have made him lonelier, it was easier to bear on the hill. It was somewhere he could go to splay out on the ground under the Sweet Birch trees to take in their honeyed scent, to be alone with his thoughts and the tiny bump on his stomach.

"You’re going to be a spring baby." Yixing thought aloud as he pressed a palm to where he was sure his baby was, "I wonder if you’ll love nature as much as me and your daddy."

"They’ll be a woodland nymph, like you," a second voice interjected and Yixing didn’t even have to look to know who it was. "Can you picture it?"

Yixing blinked, craning his neck around as his eyebrows furrowed, "Picture what?"

Yifan sat down, shirt partially unbuttoned and his slacks rolled up around the bottom of his calves, showcasing his bare ankles and feet between the strands of grass. The older shuffled around, stretching his legs out either side of Yixing’s hips as he drew the younger back until his upper body’s weight was supported by Yifan’s chest.

Hands rested over Yixing’s, a nose tucked itself behind Yixing’s ear and a heartbeat could be felt, solid and rhythmic, on Yixing’s spine.

"Us, here," Yifan began in the most delicate way Yixing had ever heard, "sat like this, watching our children running around as they play with one another or chase whatever insect flits by. Them, coming to us, covered in grass stains and dried mud, smiling with incomplete sets of teeth in ways that we can’t even get mad at. Can you picture that?"

Yixing could. It was so vivid that it blinded him temporarily, he blinked until he could see again, but, even then, his sight was marred with watery tears. He wanted to pull away from Yifan, away from the idea of being able to stay with his children until they were old enough to start losing their milk teeth - it would only make having to leave them harder. He wondered why Yifan would be so cruel in his tenderness to make him imagine those things. Yet, all he could do was push harder into the warmth at his back, always closer and never further.

"Please don’t talk like you’ll keep me," Yixing’s voice cracked. His weakness showed itself, it was revealed itself to Yifan, verbally, for the first time, and he was terrified to be so vulnerable. "It’ll only make leaving hurt more."

Yixing felt Yifan’s nose press into his skin harder, his hold tightening.

"Why would you be leaving?"

"Because that’s how the world works."

"What if I want to change the world?" Yifan was whispering so quietly Yixing was sure his voice would have disappeared had the wind blown. "All just to keep you by my side."

Anxiety scrambled Yixing’s stomach. Panic clutched at his throat, "Why would you do that?"

"Don’t act like you don’t know." For the first time in the years they had known each other, Yifan sounded as if he'd been stripped bare with no sternum to protect his heart, as if it’s exposed to the world, his world. Yixing. "Please tell me that you know."

"Know what?"

"God," Yifan muttered. The body behind Yixing’s disappeared slowly, leaving him to lay upon the ground and nothing happened until all the sunlight was blocked from his entire from. His eyes could barely focus on Yifan with all the light flooding down around his head as he crawled up until he was over Yixing completely. Yifan’s expression was both pained and intense, the rawness of fear and suffocating quality of openness. "You have to know, Yixing, you _have_ to."

"I don’t understand," Yixing croaked. "What do you mean, what do I have to know?"

"I told you in that room when we met." Yifan’s eyes showed something frightful, his whole face was etched in pain, as if Yixing 'not knowing' was everything that would destroy that world of Yifan's.

Yixing’s mind fumbled, "But we didn’t meet in a room."

Yifan’s eyes screwed shut. "Yes, we met in a corridor. The time after that, when we were in the room. In the September."

 

✼✼✼✼✼

 

_Needles had poked into his arms until the tender inner part of his elbow was swollen with redness that scratched when his clothes brushed against it. Yixing hadn’t known why he’d been injected with what the doctors gave him. He’d been prodded and poked at for almost a week, his hair had been cut down to just shorter than Yixing liked and his nails had been manicured. He looked pristine, if he looked past the pinpricks the Centre had given him._

_He’d never been made to look so perfect before. It felt too forced to be him, the only reassurance he had was when he looked into the mirror and practised his smile. The dimple in his right cheek dented there, sometimes accompanied by one in his left if he moved in the right ways. It was an imperfection that grounded him as everybody around him changed under the power of the needles and scalpels._

_"Are you ready?" Mrs Sheng stood at Yixing’s dorm door, smile wide and bright. "It’s a big day today?"_

_"What’s today?" Yixing had asked, brows furrowed._

_Mrs Sheng laughed, she entered as the last of the beauticians moved away from Yixing with all her products in her bag, and the presence of the liaisons officer soothed Yixing’s nerves. Only slightly. He toyed with the red tunic he’d been dressed in. It had a chest slit that stopped midway down his sternum and matched with some black trousers that wrapped snugly around his legs._

_"You look handsome, Yixing." Mrs Sheng ignored his question. "These clothes were a gift."_

_"From who?"_

_That question was one she answered, "The person you’re meeting today."_

_"Why did they send me this?" Yixing smoothed his hands over the fabric. The red was deeper than Yixing had ever seen in clothing before, everything else he’d seen had been too harshly vibrant. It was almost maroon, deep and natural in tone. "We don’t get gifts normally, do we?"_

_"No, and we don’t know why this person has sent you them." She smiled still. "You’ve been sent quite a few items over the past few weeks."_

_Yixing tilted his head to the side, he’d not seen such gifts and Mrs Sheng brought out her tablet to hand over to Yixing. He couldn’t read but he could see some kind of digital inventory on the screen as he tapped on each item. There were smaller things, trinkets from outside of the Centre that he’d never seen before, along with larger ones, like the clothes Yixing had on._

_"You’ve been spoilt quite a bit by this person." Mrs Sheng moved closer. She petted his hair without spoiling the styling of it. "Make sure that you’re polite and that you smile, that’s important, okay? You can do that, can’t you, Yixing?"_

_"Of course." the edges of Yixing’s lips curled up. "I’ll try to be perfect."_

_Mrs Sheng clapped her hands together, "Great, let’s head out then."_

_They walked through the corridors with Yixing hanging just behind Mrs Sheng shoulder until they came to a meeting room. It was then, and only then, that it dawned on Yixing that he was meeting a potential Host. He hadn’t met or been requested by anybody, which confused him. Meetings without at least one greeting session was against the Centre’s code of practice. Yixing hadn’t ever attended one of the public gatherings that of-age Carriers attended to meet prospective Hosts. He had been plucked out of the blue by whoever was in the room and he had no idea who it was._

_"Is this allowed?" Yixing whispered his question. "Isn’t this against protocol?"_

_"You’ve met this person before, Yixing," she assured him as she opened the door. Though, it did nothing to quell his apprehension. "Now, go in there and be_ you _."_

_Yixing stepped around her, his lips sealed and the words, ‘But how genuine am I?’ trapped on his tongue. He entered with his eyes downcast slightly, he watched a pair of feet ahead of him scramble to shift the person from being seated until they were stood. The Carrier still didn’t look up, he didn’t know how to handle the sudden weight of his societal role as it pressed down on his shoulders like deadweight._

_Somebody, a man, cleared his throat as silence settled, "Yixing?"_

_"Yes." Yixing nodded his head, he bowed deeply as his greeting before he finally looked up at the man in front of him._

_A memory jolted through him, of a white corridor and a tall man. And of Baekhyun, or at least, the association Yixing had created as a consequence._

_"It’s lovely to meet you again." Yixing’s brain had scrambled for a name for the man but came up with nothing. It had only been a momentary meeting that was just enough to imprint on Yixing’s mind. The details had blurred and frayed, nothing had been branded into his memory with hot-poker precision._

_Yixing’s brain had screamed out to ask the other about Baekhyun, to ask him why he was there to meet_ him _and not the other, the one made for him. Instead, he smiled politely with cheeks rouged with nerves._

_"Likewise," he had said._

_"Why don’t you sit down?" The man gestured to a chair beside the one he had been sat in upon Yixing’s arrival and the Carrier had moved to the seat, he perched at the edge,_ on edge. _"I’m Wu Yifan, we met once before when I came to visit…" The man, Yifan, stumbled over his words, he scratched at the back of his neck awkwardly. "Uh, yeah, when I came here to visit."_

_Yixing knew the man was going to mention Baekhyun, it was no surprise, what carried the shock was his reluctance to do so. All the Carrier could do was observe him, he took in each of his actions as he moved to sit down. He mirrored Yixing’s posture, it was awkward and uncomfortable for a while. There was an elephant in the room, large and asphalt grey in Yixing’s vision, but Yifan blinked at him beyond it._

_"You’re wearing my gift," Yifan noted, his head tilted to indicate at the red and black attire that clad Yixing’s body. "It looks good, do you like it?"_

_"Yes, thank you," Yixing’s voice was small and calm, it hid all of the anxieties that were hidden within him._

_"And the others?" Yifan’s eyes probed his face in an expression of anticipation._

_"I only found out about them today," Yixing’s voice carried itself stronger. Yifan frowned. "It’s the regulations. I assume that some having gifts would throw the balance out; we live with peacefulness as our focus to help keep us healthy. Some having what others do not creates a state of imbalance in such close quarters."_

_Yifan smiled, gummed and wide, "I see."_

_"I would get them if I were to leave, though," Yixing explained further and Yifan nodded, appearing to be genuinely interested in what he said._

_They were quiet again, just looking at one another with Yifan’s grin radiating between them until Yixing felt his dimple indent and his own lips part to return the expression. Yifan’s smile was soft, it had been harmless and it disarmed Yixing. His raised hackles lowered along with his chin, bashfulness had overcome him._

_"Your dimple really is wonderful," Yifan noted, he rested his forearms on the table between them. He appeared attentive and interested. "It suits you."_

_"Thank you," Yixing’s voice loosened up._

_They talked a little more freely from that point. Yifan vaguely brushed over his occupation and status, he seemed to favour the details of Yixing’s upbringing and how lived. It had felt warm, Yixing had never had somebody act so intrigued by his simplistic life._

_Yifan had glanced up at the clock, he had frowned again and Yixing wished he could call the comforting smile back. He willed for it to return. Seriousness had always intimidated Yixing, doctors only ever chattered with grim expressions whenever things were wrong or not quite right._

_"Do you know why I’m here, Yixing?" Yifan’s question had blindsided him, there was a level of intensity in it that he could have never prepared for. His heart hammered, skittered and thudded all at once._

_He shook his head once, twice, three times._

_"I want to have a family." Yifan had been blunt, so open and Yixing’s face turned a blistered shade of red. "I want a child, or a few. I want somebody who will give me a family and who will be willing to spend time with me."_

_Wide-eyed and open mouthed, Yixing blinked somewhat dumbly but it had not deterred the other man._

_"To me, being genuine and honest are two of the most important things, So, I will show you with what I will say next." Yifan’s voice shifted to a tone Yixing hadn’t ever encountered before. He listened avidly, each word soaked into his skin and embedded themselves there. "I have always wanted to build a family out of love, not perfection or aesthetic, but I can’t do that alone. I cannot love on my own. Do you see what I’m saying?"_

_"You want a family," Yixing reiterated Yifan’s point before his throat clenched slightly around his follow up statement, "and you are interested in having me help you do that?"_

_"Do you think you could try that, to give me a family I can love?"_

_Neither of them knew if that question was the norm for such meetings, they’d clearly never encountered somebody in that situation before. Yixing had wanted to ask a limitless list of questions, all of them centred upon the idea of:_ ‘why me? Of all people, over Baekhyun, why are you asking me?’

_And yet, there had been something in Yifan’s nerves and apparent nervousness that had sent Yixing spiralling into a wonderstruck state. Soft eyes, delicately pink gums, warm, warm, warm. He was captivated._

_"I hope so," he had whispered._

_"I hope so, too," Yifan had returned._

 

✼✼✼✼✼

 

"I told you I wanted something." Yifan’s thumbs ran across Yixing’s cheeks. "Only one thing."

"A family," Yixing faltered, unsure. "You wanted a family you could love. _This_ baby will be your family, or part of it."

Yifan’s eyes clenched up, his fingers slipping down to Yixing’s lips. "And you. I couldn’t have a family without you."

"I know." Yixing could feel Yifan’s fingers on his skin, leaving scorching marks that left his heart to stutter. "It’s why I’m here until you send me away."

"You’re not listening to me." Yifan’s head dropped down, his hair brushed against Yixing’s lips and chin as he did so. "It’s you, you’re my family."

The Carrier felt like a broken record, "I don’t understand."

"I always thought you knew without me needing to say," Yifan’s utterance shifted to something more defeated than it was understanding.

Yixing’s hands edged up to rest on Yifan’s chin, angling it until their eyes met through the inches between them. "Say it now, you know I’d always listen to you."

Yifan’s mouth opened, he sought for words for his lips to form but couldn’t quite grapple with it, as far as Yixing could see. There was nothing more than desperation there, as if he couldn’t express it with any words at all. With the light behind him, his features were darkened by hopelessness and Yixing could see how Yifan’s eyes watered. The hands on Yixing’s face drew him upwards, Yifan manoeuvering them until he was sat on Yixing’s lap with their noses brushing and Yifan’s hair pressed on Yixing’s forehead. Yifan’s fingers threaded into Yixing’s hair, his thumbs pressed dully to Yixing’s temple and the Carrier was speechless.

He had never seen Yifan so terrified by something unsaid, Yixing didn’t know what else to do.

"How could you not know?" Yifan’s face crumpled as his whisper brushed frantically on Yixing’s lips. _"How could you not know how much I love you?"_

It wasn’t the reaction he’d ever anticipated if he was ever going to receive a love declaration and yet, Yixing could not halt the elated laugh that rushed out of his lungs. The chuckles were light and carefree, relief was overflowing from the sound. His hands held tighter to Yifan, his laughter growing louder as he laid back on the grassy ground. Yifan followed him down, his cheeks straining as a grin stretched across his face under Yixing’s grip.

With tears dangling in shimmering droplets from his eyelashes, his mouth split apart to show gums and teeth, and his weight pushed so comfortingly against Yixing, Yifan had never looked as beautiful, to Yixing, as he did in the early autumn heat.

When the laughing subsided to giggles then to nothing but puffs of air circled by smiles, Yifan sat up on Yixing’s lap, hands resting on the small bump of Yixing’s stomach.

"I love you, too," Yixing beamed.

"I know that," Yifan chuckled that time, moving one of his hands to brush Yixing’s hair up out of his eyes. "Somebody would have to be foolish to not know that."

There was a breeziness to the jab Yifan made at Yixing, it was so _different_ to how Yifan had struggled when confronted with Yixing’s obliviousness a few minutes before. The exchange had managed to drain anxiety out of Yifan. He was no longer trembling or quivering at the mere thought of Yixing not understanding the feelings he had. But the Host appeared grounded, fully pitched on the Earth with Yixing as his tether to the world.

They stayed on the hill, silence shrouding them until the sun disappeared and the temperature dropped a few degrees. Wind blew gently across Yifan’s hair, having softened up from the number of times Yixing had run his fingers through it, and strands draped down to his brow in a boyish frame that Yixing’s heart jolted at the sight of. Yixing had always liked when Yifan’s hair was unfurled and loose, it broke up the intensity of his face to shift it into a portrait of charming youth.

"We should head down," Yifan leant forwards, his hands placed noiselessly beside Yixing’s head.

"Or, we could stay here and never leave?" Yixing walked his fingers up Yifan’s outer thighs to settle there, comfortable and warm.

"What? Do we just run off into the forest and forget everything?" Yifan bent his elbows to edge closer to Yixing.

Yixing’s head nodded instinctively, his smile aching and sweet inside his mouth, "Yeah. You, me and the baby."

"I do like the sound of that." Yifan’s expression reflected Yixing’s perfectly, it left the younger slightly breathless. "The three of us, together, living amongst the trees and not answering to anybody else…"

"It would be perfect." Yixing shifted just so whilst he moved up onto his elbows to lessen the gap between them.

"You really would be a nymph then." Yifan edged towards Yixing. "Surrounded by leaves, flowers and trees looking like something out of a painting from another time."

"And what would you be?"

"A god." Yifan hummed, then frowned. "Maybe I’d actually be a hunter."

"Why a hunter?"

"Because I can’t stop chasing you."

Yixing pulled a face, amused at what the other said for a short moment before he joined their lips in a short kiss, "And what would you do when you catch me?"

"I’d keep you as safe as I can and run with you." Yixing chanced a look in Yifan’s eyes, seeing playfulness masking something more serious that laid itself deep in Yifan’s mind. It trickled a shiver down Yixing's spine. "I’d never let you go, unless you asked me to."

"I’ll hold you to that." Yixing kissed him again, not drawing back as far as he did before.

"To what? Me never letting you go or me letting you go when you ask?"

Yixing thought it over for a moment, "Saying both would be the practical response."

"Which isn’t the one you want to give, is it?"

"No." Yixing smiled again. "I would definitely say the first statement."

"Then it’s settled." Yifan was the one to lean forward, joining their mouths once more. "I’ll never let you go."

Yixing’s lips spread further as his smile turned cheeky quickly, "Unless I ask you to."


	7. 第七章

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to claim for kissfanxing, please do so! The claiming period has been extended, so if you're interested then take a look at _[this post!](https://kissfanxing.tumblr.com/post/168126419168/kissfanxing-claiming-is-open-its-finally)_

Loneliness crept up on Yixing like a spider across his shoulder, so delicately that he didn’t realise that it was upon him until it was right in front of him. He wandered out of the house then, with no one watching him or where he was going. He trailed through the grounds and peered up at the boundary walls. The leaves would rest atop of it until rain came to wash them away and Yixing knew that would happen soon. 

It was hard for him to stay happy by himself, to find things to occupy him and he was tired of watching things on his own. Jongdae was too busy with running errands with Lu Han, and Minseok was pruning the grounds before winter swallowed everything up in its white wonderland. And Yixing couldn’t bear the thought of befriending the other staff, the ones that looked at him and Yifan out of the corners of their eyes and speculated what they may. 

Working for Yifan was just a job to them, there was no sense of family between many of them. There was only the fact they were sworn to secrecy on the whereabouts of the estate. Yifan said it was for safety, Lu Han speculated that Yifan was just paranoid.

Since Yifan’s absences had grown more and more frequent, Yixing half wished that they would be invited to an event or a party - or even host one for themselves. Even if just to give him something to do.

He hated being idle. 

It drove him to walk and try to talk with the baby, hoping to feel as if there was actually something inside him. He wished he could feel the baby, not just the nausea it sometimes brought. Sometimes he would sing, hoping that birds would sing back to him like they did in the old films. 

At times, he wished he was back at the Centre. He had always been of use there or given something to do, but being treated in a way that, Yixing could only imagine, a prince would be seemed to have stripped him of that. He no longer had much active use, he was a walking incubator, nothing more.

He longed for his check-ups to come sooner, to take him out of the house.

On the days he could go into the city, he would be taken to the large store the servants went to on their days off. Yixing would spend hours just feeling fabrics of the tunics and trousers that lined the hangers and shelves. He’d stand at the tall windows and look out at the city. He watched people and made up stories for them. Though, Lu Han never let him speak to anyone. 

Jongdae, too. 

They watched over Yixing and stayed close to his sides as he strolled around, like they were two shadows for his singular body. He felt cramped in but didn’t complain. Not when he was free to roam around the store. Although, just the towering skyscraper of that one building was all he was allowed to see. 

He couldn’t go onto the street like the other people of a normal status. Yixing could simply use their highrise shops, quietly, as two people ghosted around behind him. 

 

✼✼✼✼✼

 

"Do you know when Yifan will be back from work?" Yixing could see that the suddenness of his words had startled the driver into dropping his tool. The older recovered quickly, lifting up the device to begin working on the car again and gave Yixing a short shake of his head. "It’s just that it’s almost nine at night and he’s usually home a lot earlier than this. Even on busy days."

"He took a car on his own this morning, so I wasn’t told a time to travel out to get him," Lu Han glanced at his arm quickly as he spoke, "and I haven’t had an alert sent to me."

"Is something wrong?" Yixing stepped into the garage from where he’d rested against the door frame. He had begun to feel the weight of his pregnancy, his once taut muscles had given way to a rounder firmness and he’d grown fully used to feeling the flutters of the baby in his stomach. His footsteps weren’t as light as they had been and they echoed around the large building. 

"With the car?" Lu Han turned back, "Or, Mr Wu?"

"Anything," Yixing shrugged. "All I do is walk around the gardens or sit in the music room, I feel so out of the loop."

"Well, this car is having a system upgrade and a few modifications made to it," Lu Han directed his hands towards to the inside. "Not much else, really. And Mr Wu, he was fine when I saw him this morning."

"What changes are you making?" Yixing leant against the rear end of the car, propping his elbow up on it to take some of the weight off his feet. His ankles had been aching since he had spent an extra hour walking around the forest that curled around the house. "How early did he leave? He didn’t even wake me to say goodbye."

"I’m giving it the option to disable the GPS system completely whilst the engine is off and putting something into the interior system that blocks exterior tracking and surveillance things. So our chips can’t be tracked by anybody outside the vehicle." Lu Han moved back into the car, tapping on the touchscreen and twiddling with things that had been revealed by removing a panel. "You know how important solid rest is for you and the baby, Mr Wu doesn’t want you to wake up because he was too noisy looking for a shirt and tie."

Yixing frowned, "Did Yifan say you could change these things? You know he’s a big believer in  _ ‘if you have nothing to hide, you don’t need to hide _ ’. And I like saying goodbye to him, especially if he’s working later than normal."

"He asked for this," Lu Han pulled out the car again to change his tool prior to heading back into the car. "He said something about there being a few issues with people interfering with devices. I can’t exactly remember. And, I know you like spending time with Mr Wu, but his work and your resting are equally important right now."

"Can we go visit him later this week?" Yixing dropped his gaze, twiddling the edge of his shirt nervously. "If he can’t come here as often, maybe we can go to him?"

Lu Han didn’t respond for half a minute, leaving them in silence before he sighed and moved so he could look out of the car at Yixing. The driver moved around to stand in front of Yixing, exhaling heavily once more before tousling the younger’s hair affectionately.

"You’d have to ask Mr Wu," Lu Han sucked on his teeth shortly, "but I don’t think he’ll say yes."

"Why?" Yixing’s shoulders sagged down and disappointment clenched at his stomach. "I wouldn’t have to be there for long..."

"He’s been really busy at work lately, some things haven’t gone as smoothly as they should have," Lu Han’s hair combs through Yixing’s hair, soothing him a little more. "I know he’s trying to fix them and you know how he doesn’t like bringing his work home with him."

"I just miss him," Yixing’s lower lip quivered against the upper, causing him to clamp his teeth on it to still it. He released it for a moment to look sadly at Lu Han. "I don’t want him to miss anything, I’m scared that he will and I’ll be doing all of this on my own."

"There’s no shame in doing anything alone," Lu Han assured him. "But, you aren’t even alone. Yifan is always one message, call or summon away, and you’ve got all of us. You know we’re all going to love this baby, much like how we love you. Even though we aren’t Mr Wu, we all care about you and your happiness; this household wouldn’t be the anything without you in it and it’ll be the same with the baby when it comes."

"I—," Yixing cut himself off. "Thank you, Lu Han. You’re always here when I need you."

"You should go back to the main house now," the driver withdrew his hand from Yixing’s hair to push lightly on his shoulder instead. "Jongdae will be wondering where you are."

Yixing moved to leave but stopped himself halfway across the garage floor, turning to look back at the driver with his fingers clasped around the metal tag on his wrist. He could feel the numbers engraved there and ran the pad of his thumb over them. 

"If you’re still here when he comes, will you send him straight to me?"

"You know I wouldn’t have to tell him to do that." 

Lu Han grinned at Yixing because they both knew it was true, resulting in a small smile gracing Yixing’s lips in return. He gave the older a short wave before he stepped out onto the gravel and listened to it crunch under his feet, his body had only started to ache more as he walked in through the front door. He was instantly fussed over by Jongdae and led up to his bedroom to change into his night clothes. Jongdae opened the door that connected Yixing’s bedroom with Yifan’s as the pregnant male dressed himself and bid him a short goodnight as the Carrier slipped under the duvet of Yifan’s bed.

 

✼✼✼✼✼

 

It was a Thursday when Yixing summoned Yifan with his implant, tentatively asking if he could visit Yifan at work. Yixing didn’t want to admit it that it hurt to hear Yifan say no. Especially since Yifan had always been enthusiastic about having Yixing visit him. Instead, the limp solution was for the servants to take Yixing to a different highrise department store to the one they usually went to. 

Lu Han told him that the one they normally visited was for more common folk, where they bought their tunics and trousers, or had updates applied to their chips and implants. The one Yifan had told them to go to, instead of visiting him, was one for people like Yifan.

On the first floor were the tailors that made Yixing’s clothes, with scanning machines and large computers that allowed the staff to change things to their customers’ requests. That’s the only level Yixing had ever been to. The rest of the emporium was almost unknown to him.

As Yixing expected, there were people, those who qualified to be Hosts wandering around, all lavishly dressed with a servant or two following behind them. The staff, human or android, in their white and black uniforms, tended to everyone.

Yixing was the only Carrier there, the only one with a metal bracelet on his wrist. Like in the other store, he was huddled around by Lu Han, Jongdae. He was told to buy whatever and however much he wanted, that it would all be charged to Yifan’s account, and Yixing wasn’t quite sure what to do. He didn’t know what was expensive and what wasn’t, and frankly, he felt terribly out of place. 

The first visit was the worst of them all. Eyes followed Yixing around, people murmured and soon it had rippled around the store that Wu Yifan’s Carrier was in the building. He was approached by the workers and offered anything that he could have wanted, yet, it was the Host-types that rolled their eyes and tried to barge past him. It became strikingly clear that the business saw him as an extension of Yifan, but it was the other patrons who thought Yixing to be less than human.

Again, Yixing was never allowed to speak directly with anyone. He was always cut off from whatever had wanted to leave his mouth, and he deflated a little more each time.

The second, third, and fourth times, everyone had become used to his presence. The staff didn’t coddle him as much, though, they still gave him a little more attention than they did the other customers. Yixing was simply ignored by everyone else, made to feel like a microscopic being that was created to be stepped on. 

He strolled in silence, barely even glancing at those around him. It was better than nothing, he told himself. Still, like anyone would, he wanted more.

He asked Yifan, over and over, if he could go sit in his office again, to be able to see Yifan at work. To be out of the house and not in the department store where he felt even more subhuman than he normally did.

Yixing grew frustrated and would, to the best of his abilities, try to show Yifan that. It was an ugly feeling, one he hadn’t ever had before, but it festered and grew. The more he was told  _ no _ , when it came to things he had been able to do just days before, the worse he felt inside. 

He did not want to be angry with Yifan, certainly not whilst they had their rarer moments together, he just couldn’t stop himself from letting his annoyances get the better of him. He knew it had begun to wear down on Yifan, too. Yixing could see that. As plain as day. 

Yixing simply wanted to be handled like a human, not a pet. Inside, he grew to feel like a tyrant that was out of touch with the rest of the world.

 

✼✼✼✼✼

 

Yixing rarely actually picked fights, especially not with Yifan. In reality, they didn’t ever find themselves in enough positions to disagree with one another, and so it hurt all the more when they argued. No matter what happened, Yixing always hated it. It tore him apart inside for them to butt heads because he just didn’t think that his heart could handle either his own or Yifan’s sadness. 

It’s why when Yifan broke the news of Yixing’s city visits being called off, Yixing had recoiled into a corner like a cornered tiger. He lashed out, metaphorically swiping left and right, in complete, blind panic.

Yixing hadn’t expected it from that night, especially when he had spent his hours at the department store again, eyes set on the tailoring machines. He had asked if he could visit Yifan at work one day that week and Yifan had given him a firm, "No," again as a response. He’d picked a fight then.

For the first time, he asked why he wasn’t allowed to see Yifan at work, why his trips in and out of the city were called off so abruptly. Yixing could not believe it. For the first time since they had met, Yixing couldn’t understand why Yifan was acting and saying the things he was.

Yifan was stood at one end of the bedroom, his cufflinks gripped in his hands and clothes in disarray as Yixing stared him down. Yifan said, exhausted, "Can’t you just listen to what I say? This once, can you please trust me and do as I say?"

"No," Yixing barked back. "You’re telling me I can’t leave the grounds of the house, at all. Not even for my appointments with doctors. And I want to know why."

_ "I  can’t ." _

"Like fuck you can’t," Yixing felt himself hiss, one of his palms pressed to the bump that had only just begun to show. "I’m carrying your baby, Yifan, and you’re acting like you can’t trust me to let me know why you're telling me to do this."

"Xing, you know I would tell you everything, if I could. But, I really can’t. All you need to know is that you can’t leave the estate."

That was the line Yifan had been saying all evening, from the moment they sat down for dinner together until Yifan had gone up to his bathroom to wash up. Yixing had trailed after him, pleading to know more about his apparent house arrest. Even as large as the building was, Yixing couldn’t grasp why Yifan would want to keep him trapped away and confined. He had thought that maybe Yifan was just being protective. But Yixing knew better than that. He knew Yifan. There was something more, something that frightened Yifan. Yifan merely

"Why? Why do I have to stay here like I’m imprisoned?" Yixing found himself whimpering, his fingers trembling on his tummy. "I would be able to reconcile myself with the idea if I just knew why."

"I  _ want _ to tell you. Please believe that."

"Yifan, I won’t roll over like a placid dog because you command me to. This is me and your child we’re talking about here. "

"And you don’t think I wouldn’t do what’s best for both of you?" Yifan snapped and Yixing knew he’d struck a sensitive nerve within Yifan. "You know I put you two before anything else."

"Then why are you caging us in? I'll hate being locked up here, that won't be good for the baby - or me. If you explain then maybe I won't feel as if you're treating us like..." Yixing stumbled over his words and felt his face flush, "like we’re nothing other than mere possessions.  _ You tattooed my skin with your family crest when I was eighteen just to show that I am yours . _ That you are the person who  _ owns _ me. I know you bought me, but I will not let you control things as if our baby is just as much of a commodity as I am."

Yifan was in front of Yixing within a moment, holding his face, eyes pitched downwards in an unfamiliarly serious expression.

"Don’t you dare talk about yourself like that, ever again." Yifan’s voice had a darker edge to it - not threatening but enough to make Yixing shiver on the spot. "Yixing, you know how much I love you and you know I don’t see you as some kind of object to be bought and sold. You are not just the father of my child. You are my partner. You are my family. And I would do anything to keep you safe."

Yixing responded, not missing a beat - also not missing the slip-up in Yifan’s words, "Safe from what?"

"It’ll be nothing for you to worry about," Yifan reassured thinly, "but only if you do as I say."

"Trust me enough to tell me why."

"Trust me enough to do as I say."

"I’m not going to blindly follow what you tell me to do, Yifan. I don’t have to just think about myself now, I have another life that’s relying on me. I am fulfilling my purpose in this world and I will not let you make me miserable as I do that. Not when it wouldn't be healthy for our baby."

Yifan stepped back away from him and Yixing watched as he ran his hands through his hair, pulling it in the process. With just that action, Yixing could see how Yifan embodied stress.

"You know I would never say this unless I was pushed into a corner with no option."

"If you told me what is happening, I would be more open to doing as you advise me to." Yixing didn't want to fight, he was far too tired but Yifan couldn't seem to let it go. All Yixing wanted to know was  _ why _ , yet Yifan wouldn't even divulge that much.

"I have already told you that I cannot say."

Yixing shrugged his shoulders, being deliberately provocative, "Then I won't do it."

"Yixing," Yifan flamed with anger, "just do as I say."

"No," he barked back, challenging Yifan. "You can't be like this with me."

"Just do as I tell you!"

"No."

"Fine, I  _ forbid _ you from going out," Yifan told him, clearly being stern as he could muster and Yixing's eyes watered instantly at the words. "And don't you dare disobey me. Not with this."

Yixing's lower lip wobbled and tears slipped over his lash line, down his cheeks and off at his jaw. Yifan had never spoken to him like that. Nor did Yixing have the words to respond with, as he'd never had to think of them. He was left, sobbing like a small child, by Yifan, who disappeared out of the room. The slamming of a door down the corridor was all Yixing needed to know that Yifan had found somewhere else in the house to sleep.

Jongdae appeared in front of Yixing a few minutes later, a damp flannel in hand and a cup of water in the other. He placed them on the side before he approached Yixing and ushered him to the bed.

"Master called down and said you may need some company," he whispered, not to startle Yixing. "He doesn't sound too happy himself."

"It's because he's an idiot," Yixing muttered and Jongdae chuckled at it, lifting the flannel from the side and using it to wipe the tear tracks from Yixing's face. "Why can't he give me straight answers?"

"We all know he's stressed at the moment for some reason or another. Whatever he said is probably only a result of that. He does a very important job and he's trying to do big things." Jongdae ran his fingers through Yixing's hair and sighed. "He would never do anything to be intentionally cruel towards you. Or your child. He always tries to do what's best for you both."

"But he won't even let me leave the house grounds, Jongdae, he's  _ forbidden _ me from doing that. I've never disobeyed him before nor has he ever put me in a position where I  _ must _ do as he says. What have I done wrong?"

The servant rubbed his back and massaged around his spine, "You’ve done nothing wrong, Master loves you so much and he’s just trying to protect you."

"From what, though?" Yixing prodded, hoping the servant would shed some light on what was going on around him. "That’s all I want to know."

"I cannot say." The servant turned away, his eyes slipped from where Yixing could look directly into them. "There are some things I am forbidden to do, too. But, I agree with Mr Wu on this, because it is to protect you. I would do the exact same if I was in his position. I’d keep what’s mine close to me and not let it go."

"What are you all hiding from me? Am I really that fragile and stupid that you can’t speak to me like a person? Like the adult that I am? I know I’m young but I am old enough to know what hurts me, and this definitely is causing me pain. I may be a Carrier but I am still human, I still have feelings."

"I  _ can’t  _ tell you," Jongdae’s words mirrored Yifan’s and the fury Yixing had felt before came back with a harsh hit to Yixing’s head. 

He felt like he had been punched through and through. 

Yifan trusted his servants more than his Carrier, someone he himself had labelled as his lover. And it broke Yixing’s heart. He wasn’t enough for anyone to trust and rely on, nor was he given any chance to prove himself. He was expected to be submissive to Yifan’s wants - he was expected to the Carrier Yifan had always told him he didn’t need to be.

"Get out," Yixing barked at Jongdae, knowing that Jongdae was just the same as Yifan with it. "If you don’t value me, leave me alone."

Jongdae left the room not too long after that, just as quietly as he’d come, after he had waited for Yixing to calm down again. Instead of calming, Yixing continued to sob. He felt completely excluded from the life he had settled into. 

He cried so hard that his head felt like it was going to explode, and he gave up. He curled up on the bed and wished for someone to believe that he could be of some use to whatever was going on. He was drained and far too exhausted to move from the small spot he occupied on the bed.

He thought his days of crying himself to sleep were over when he found out he was having a baby, as that had been his only source of sadness. But it was Yifan. Somehow, his main reason of happiness had twisted and contorted into the cause of his moroseness. 

The tight leash choked him as he slept and only alleviated itself slightly when he was awoken by movement next to him. He could make out the familiarity of Yifan’s shape in the darkness as he manoeuvred around the bed.

"I’m so sorry, Xing," Yifan muttered as he curled around Yixing’s drawn in body. "I don’t want to make you miserable, that’s never been my intention. I hope that one day you’ll see how much I love you and what lengths I would go to in order to keep you safe. But right now, I’d rather you hate me if that meant you weren’t going to be hurt. I’m sorry for doing this to you."

Yixing reached around his body and placed one of Yifan’s hands on his stomach, he felt comforted by the warmth from Yifan’s palm where their child was inside him.

"I don’t hate you," Yixing mumbled like speaking weakened him with each word. "I love you, so I’m hurt and I’m angry because you won’t confide in me. You told Jongdae and, probably, the others, too. Your secrets hurt me, please know that."


	8. 第八章

The times when Yifan was home, he was always at Yixing’s side, trying to make up for the restrictions he’d enforced so harshly on Yixing. They took to the gardens again, alone. They would seek false solitude together between the trees in the thick forest almost a kilometre from the house.

Yixing could be distracted from his house arrest, then, and only then. Yifan knew exactly how to make Yixing feel that little bit freer. They’d never be in their formal clothing of Yixing’s tunics and trousers, and Yifan’s tailored suits. Instead, Yixing could don one of Yifan’s shirts and some relaxed-hip trousers. Yifan would wear whatever he wanted. They’d just disappear into the woods and focus on everything that made Yixing happy.

They would chase each other between the trees until they caught one another, when their reward of capture would be languid kisses against barky trunks.

They got lost on the land and immersed themselves in one another until love flushed their cheeks. And Yixing felt nothing of the caged bird that he had become. But there were only a couple of those days over the weeks, and Yifan couldn’t fix everything he’d inflicted without pulling the dagger out of Yixing’s freedom.

 

✼✼✼✼✼

 

Yixing felt like a chained dog, pacing at the stretched out end of his tether for his master to release him. Each day, the invisible collar around his neck got tighter. Yifan had a chip scanner put on all the doors and the gates around the house - Yixing knew Yifan got an alert whenever he went outside or tried to leave out of one of the side gates. It only worsened as tension between him and Yifan rose with every interaction. Though, it was Yixing who got angry and Yifan took it, exhausted and sad.

Each time Yixing yelled about feeling trapped, about not wanting to be Yifan’s prisoner anymore, the voice in his head that told him to comfort Yifan only grew louder. Stress looked as if it’s eating Yifan alive, but Yixing cared far more about not being caged in. His solution, the one where everyone would be happy, was for Yifan to let him roam freely again. Yixing had only just got used to shopping on his own, of looking at things in the city that were bright and new, and Yifan had stripped that away from him. Yifan had hurt them both. And Yixing was angry because the answer to fix it was so clear to him.

It was one night that created a change within Yixing. Lu Han had run out of the house and, in one of the cars Yixing had watched him tamper with, sped through the front gate. He didn’t say a word to Yixing, but something unsettling gripped his stomach.

Minseok and Jongdae were at his side soon after Lu Han’s departure. They found the pregnant man stood in the main foyer, a hand rested lightly on his stomach and he stared out of the front door.

"Come on, Yixing, move away before you catch a cold," Jongdae took him by the arm and tried to move him. However, Yixing didn’t budge. "Minseok, shut the door."

"Why did he run out like that?"

His question went unanswered, left to die in the foyer, as he was ushered into one of the lounges that spread across the manor's ground floor. Yixing encouraged to sit down on the chair cushions and both the servants hovered around him, they shared looks that agitated Yixing's worries.

"Has something happened to Yifan?" He probed at a muted level, concern at the very tip of his tongue. "Please, can you just tell me what's happened? Why did Lu Han leave? Was it Yifan or someone else? I need to know."

Jongdae frowned, a crack in his veneer, and Yixing's nose tingled just before his vision began to blur.

However, it was Minseok who cracked first, "Master said we weren't to tell you anything and that he wanted to do it himself."

"Is he okay? That's all I want to know." Yixing's hand was placed on his stomach again, hoping the action would comfort both himself and the child. "Can you not tell me that, at least?"

"Master hasn't been seriously harmed."

"Oh, thank goodness." Yixing sank into the backrest with all his weight, his free hand on his heart. "He's okay."

The time it took for the lights of the vehicle to appear on the driveway dragged out far too long for Yixing to be able to fully relax. He toyed with the seams on the furnishings and prodded the servants for more information, only to be stonewalled again.

Yixing felt lied to when he actually saw the man he loved.

Yifan was grey-faced when he was supported by Lu Han through the door, unsteady on his feet, and he seemed almost intoxicated. Yixing rushed to his side, to fuss over him, but couldn’t do much more than stand there as Yifan kissed him directly on the mouth.

It was a desperate action, as if their lip-lock would solve each of Yifan’s problems and quell Yixing’s worries. Maybe it worked for the former, but it caused the latter to intensify. Yixing didn’t know what to do.

"I’m so glad you’re both safe," Yifan whispered onto his lips. "So glad."

"What happened?" He queried, panting, begging for a morsel of information.

"I blacked out." Yifan pulled back and twisted to show the back of his head. The hair was matted with something sticky, Yixing found when he moved to touch it. He knew it was blood without needing to ask. Red had stained the once pristine collar of Yifan’s shirt. "Hit my head on my desk. I've got a bit of a concussion, nothing major."

"Oh, my god." Yixing latched onto Yifan with his arms wrapped so tightly around his neck. "You need to look after yourself and take some breaks. You shouldn't be passing out at work."

"I'm just happy you're both okay," Yifan told him firmly. Seriousness coated each word he spoke as he cupped Yixing's cheeks, "If anything had happened to either of you when I couldn't get here, it would have killed me."

The pure, honest and instinct-driven look in Yifan's eyes calmed Yixing down. It was the person he knew, the one that loved him and valued him over everything else. The gentle aristocrat who had no idea about the feelings he brought out of the caverns in Yixing's body. It was not the controlling shell of Yifan that had hidden the man Yixing loved away.

Yixing relished in the rawness he found in Yifan's gaze, there was love in his wild consternation.

 

✼✼✼✼✼

 

Whilst Yixing snuck into the kitchen, where he made himself some honey tea, he hid from all of the house staff. The atmosphere between everyone had been tense, with how Yixing’s bitterness manifested at being the only one who knew nothing of Yifan’s stresses. He really had no idea why Yifan had grown so cold to him, so unnecessarily controlling, but all others did. He felt like he meant nothing in the house, despite being told that he was everything.

He had been on his way past the servants’ communal area when he spied the back of Jongdae’s head. Yixing noted that he was watching a hologram in the centre of the table. It was a news broadcast, a woman projected up next to the image of a building, the one Yifan worked in. Curiously, he slowed to a halt as he silently observed the scene. He only caught the report for a few seconds before Jongdae switched the machine off.

Distress buckled itself firmly around Yixing’s organs.

_"The attack on the government building is being viewed as a one-off, with the assailants being killed by officers on the scene. The three premier families’ representatives were not seriously injured, despite one of the perpetrator's striking Wu Yifan on his head."_

The stone of Yixing’s fear made a metaphorical "thunk" sound as it hit his inner depths. As if it also knew, the baby made Yixing’s stomach twist and turn until he bolted to the nearest bathroom, he vomited up everything he had eaten that day. His arm began to flash furiously in yellow as his heart rate rose sharply and whole body quivered.

He felt the pulse of Yifan’s call in his brain but Yixing could barely gather himself together, not with his chest so constricted and the way his head lolled over the toilet bowl. Everything spun on a weird axis and Yixing’s thoughts didn’t connect together enough to accept Yifan’s call.

In under a minute, Jongdae was behind him, his arms looped around Yixing’s body and laid him out flat on the tiled floor. His actions were just as frantic as Yixing’s heart, which only drove fear to stake right into his heart.

"I need you to breathe," he could hear Jongdae tell him, so firmly that it didn’t sound familiar. "You need to stay calm, for you and the baby."

Tears welled up in Yixing’s eyes as he struggled to gulp air into his lungs. Everything plunged him into smothering fright. He felt warmth, like a building fire, in between his legs, and he grabbed around for Jongdae. He needed to be tethered to the ground. Yixing was terrified.

His brain kept telling him, over and over, that Yifan could have been hurt and he never would have known a thing. He would have been haunting the house like a ghost, sulking. Yixing was so powerless. Simply weak. He could only suffer.

"Fuck, Yixing, try to breathe," Jongdae kept saying, only for that to shift. Panic also hit Jongdae, speaking out like Yifan was there, "Master, get a doctor and come home quickly, he’s started to bleed."

Yixing blinked as many times as he could, his hands fumbling blindly downwards until he felt the heated fluid on the cotton of his trousers. His voiced tried to call out to Jongdae, to ask him if anything bad was happening to his baby, but all that came out was panicked sobs.

A terror rippled through him at the thought of someone wanting to harm Yifan and the chance his baby could be hurt. It was a nightmare during his waking hours. His fear was so loud that he heard neither Lu Han nor Minseok running towards him, the three of them lifted him and carried him off to somewhere else in the house. He didn’t know where, all he could recall was bearing none of his own weight as he moved, even their voices were drowned out by the terrifying white noise in his head.

He was undressed and laid out on a warm surface, a hand held his tightly as his thighs were wiped down.

Yixing was barely lucid when Yifan arrived, someone else followed him closely behind, but Yixing could easily recall reaching out to him, needing the physical contact to know that Yifan was safe.

The person Yifan had brought in with him began to probe over Yixing’s body, searching for something and using his arm, probably to scan it, continually. It all felt like it happened so fast as Yixing fell asleep, his head rested upon Yifan’s lap and face fanned by the minty tinge to Yifan’s breath.

He licked his lips as he came back around, they were cracked and dry, though, his tongue wasn’t much help - that was equally devoid of any moisture, too. His body felt like it was detached from his head, it was far too light compared to the weight that pinned his skull to what he was resting on.

Only Yifan was in the room when his bleary eyes came into focus, his work suit was crinkled up and his head was pressed to his hands.

"Yifan," Yixing croaked out bleakley.

The man’s reaction was immediate as his whole body turned to face Yixing, his face as greyly pale as it had been the night before and fingers quaking where they joined onto Yifan’s hands.

He scrambled to get to Yixing’s side and touched over his face, fingers touching in something barely above a hover and Yixing pressed into Yifan’s cool skin. There was nothing that needed to be said as Yifan comforted Yixing to the marrows of his bones, he was safe whilst they were alone in their house, together.

"The baby’s okay," was the first thing Yifan said to him, and it was a hushed remark that matched perfectly with the moment. "Both of you are fine and healthy."

Yixing moved over once he realised that he was tucked up under the duvet of his own bed, not Yifan’s, making room for Yifan to lay down beside him. He was stilled by Yifan’s hands, which took control of the way he moved on the mattress. Yifan slotted himself against Yixing’s body on top of the duvet, an arm across Yixing’s stomach in a way that bound them together.

"I was so worried about you," Yifan murmured after a long period of silence, his hold on Yixing tightened up and Yixing could feel an edge of desperation ebbed out of him. "I was in a meeting and then I got the alert, I tried to call your implant and you didn’t respond. Then, when I got through to Jongdae, when he said there was blood, fuck, Xing, I thought one of you were going to die. And that terrified me, it made me feel like _I_  was going to die."

"I’m sorry," Yixing curled up a little more, just not into Yifan, but himself. Closing off was all he could think of doing. No matter if he wanted to share each and everyone of his thoughts and feelings with Yifan.

"There’s nothing to apologise for," Yifan reassured him, a kiss to seal the sentence. "This kind of thing can’t be helped, Xing. The doctor said it’s not uncommon for male Carriers to have spontaneous bleeds. Men aren’t naturally designed to have children and your body is trying to adjust to that. There is absolutely nothing for you to worry about, Yixing."

"The timing was pretty bad, though, for you. You were already shaken up, with the attack on the government building and being hurt."

Yifan seized up, his arms grew solid around Yixing and the breath that had been going into Yixing’s hair simply disappeared. Then, a frail, "How did you know about that?" was asked.

"Jongdae was watching the news on the hologram screen. I overheard. They said you got hurt." Yixing moved until he was able to peer up at Yifan and skim his fingertips over the cut on the back of Yifan’s head. "Why did you keep it from me?"

"I didn’t want you to worry. I’ve already stressed you out enough recently, I didn’t want this to add to that because I can’t bear seeing you so sad all the time. I don’t want to make you even more unhappy." Yifan tucked his nose under Yixing’s cheek and nuzzled in gently. "I’m making your life harder and I want to shield you from everything."

"We may not have said it but, Yifan, we’re partners. We’re having a baby together. Your stresses are mine, like mine are yours. That’s how these things should work between us because I’ve been so aware that you don’t trust me enough to share this secret but you told everyone else.

"I found out you were attacked at work _from an overheard news report._ You get those stupid alerts whenever I’m hurting but for you, I get nothing. I didn’t know you’d been hurt until I saw you. Do you know what that’s doing to me? I’m in the dark with everything because you’ve all left me here with no way out. I just want to know what’s going on. So, please, please, just tell me."

Yifan didn’t say a single world for a while and silence overtook them both. Yixing was ready to squirm out of Yifan’s grasp and find another room to sleep in when Yifan sighed, deeply and hotly onto Yixing’s jaw.

"There’s been unrest. Not a lot, but some. It was nothing more than the usual gripes of social inequality and inequity in the beginning, there were a few attacks on low level officials and then a new bill passed. Some people are trying to strip the rights of Carriers even further and it’s not settling right with a lot of people.

"I tried my hardest to lobby against it, to keep you safe. But, I was on my own. Chanyeol didn’t come through with the support I needed to change things about it and the bill was put through. Xing, I don’t want you to go out into a world that doesn’t treat you like you should be treated. Nor do I want to put you in harm’s way. So, for the time being, just while things calm down, I need you to stay here."

Yixing didn’t know what to say, a thousand questions balled up in his throat and blocked it, choking his ability to speak. He didn’t have the energy to cry - out of sadness for their society, heartbreak for Yifan’s fears, happiness for Yifan’s efforts to keep him safe, and pride from the fact Yifan worked to stop it all from happening. There was, of course, frustration there, too.

Yifan still didn’t trust him enough to understand the world they resided in and he didn’t believe that Yixing could rationalise things outside of his own head. If anything, Yifan had penned Yixing into his own mind by not letting him know a single thing outside of his own thoughts.

His body hurt too much to think about arguing with Yifan too much, he craved rest and sought out for some kind of equilibrium in what he felt.

"I hope that in the future you’ll trust me enough to share these kinds of burdens with you." Yixing pressed the fronts of their bodies together and let his lips crawl around Yifan’s skin until they met with Yifan’s. "You said I was your partner and I hope you’ll be able to mean it soon."

"I do mean it, I promise. I’d marry you, if I could. If there were no laws and contracts and stupid tyrants, I would marry you within a heartbeat. You are, in every way you can be, the person who I consider to be my other half. I regard you as a part of me."

"Treat me like that, then. I may be sheltered but I am not a child, I can understand that the world is not perfect." Yixing knew that well enough as it was, given that no matter how much he strived for perfection, he always fell far too short of the mark. "I may be asking for more than I'm worth or more than what I deserve, still, if I don't hide things from you, I don't want you to keep them from me."

"You deserve better than what I've been doing to you. But I hope you can forgive me because I can do things to make you feel better now, I can treat you like I should." Yifan pressed Yixing down flat on the mattress and crawled on top of him. None of his weight was put onto Yixing's body and he stared down at Yixing, it was with such an intensity that picked Yixing's heart rate up until he felt it in his ears. "I really do love you."

Yifan's hand drifted to Yixing's stomach and brushed over where Yixing's bare skin showed. "Even if we didn't ever have a child together, I would have been more than satisfied with just you and I as a family. You, and you alone, make me happy."

Yixing wrapped his hands around Yifan's neck and brought him back closer, until their stomachs just touch between them. There was an aching in Yixing's stomach and between his legs that made him grimace and Yifan touched across his cheeks.

"You need to rest, Xing." Yifan frowned. "The doctor, Junmyeon, is going to stay for a while to adjust your hormone releases and make sure you look after yourself. Is that okay with you?"

"Do I have much choice in this?"

"When it comes to what's going to keep our baby and you healthy? Not a lot."

Yixing snorted and smiled as Yifan kissed him gently, "Only whilst I'm like this, though. I don't want him here for long."

"Okay." Yifan smiled against Yixing's jaw. "Get better and then we will talk about kicking him out."

"Deal."

Yifan rolled away from Yixing and got off of the bed, he circled around to where Yixing was laid out and carefully scooped him up with both his arms. "Right, let's get you to bed."

"What's wrong with my bed?" Yixing huffed then grimaced as his stomach shifted with the motion of being lifted and walked with.

Yifan paused and let his mouth curve downwards as he looked at Yixing, who only blinked up at him.

"Xing, I'm taking you to _our_ bed."

Just with those few words, Yixing's heart tumbled right back into Yifan's hands.


	9. 第九章

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter does come with the warning of substance (drug) abuse!

 

Junmyeon looked so placid and kind that Yixing was instantly comfortable around him. He was pristine in his appearance, which was always the kept-together, uniform look of a doctor.

He introduced many things to Yixing, initially, from birthing charts to antiques called sonograms. Those first couple of days made Yixing think that Junmyeon was wonderful, so much so that Yixing barely blinked when Junmyeon mentioned that part of Yixing’s treatment would be administered through needles.

Yixing readily showed his arm and watched the liquids flow in. Junmyeon said they would help the baby to develop, that it would make Yixing and Yifan’s child strong and healthy. In a vague way, he explained that it would divert more of Yixing’s energy intake and healthy blood to the foetus.

Everything seemed perfectly logical to Yixing in the beginning.

It was by the fifth set of injections that Yixing began to feel something inside him slip off into sickness. For hours after his medication, Yixing would barely be able to stand without feeling as though his body was going to collapse under his own weight. He could barely keep his breakfasts down, too. It felt like an infection he couldn’t quite fight off.

When Yixing told the doctor, he did no more than shrug and act like almost all was fine.

"Then, are you ready for your shots?" Junmyeon asked, his injection pouch on the side. He brought a sleek, pen-shaped device out and put it next to Yixing’s plate, to prompt Yixing to stop chewing on his toast. "We will up your dosages today, to help with this illness you’re experiencing."

Yixing wanted to refuse the doctor but he was far too obedient for that. He put his arm flat on the side, then - with no warning at all - Junmyeon jabbed him with the needle. The liquid could be felt going into his arm until one of the lights on his arms turned green, showing medical interference.

The impact was instant. Yixing’s stomach flipped, twisted, and turned until he felt like he was going to collapse from the inside. He pushed himself back from the table and leant back into his chair, his head limply propped up on the backrest.

"Come on," Junmyeon told him, "eat up."

He lifted a piece of toast to Yixing’s mouth and he tried to chew it as best he could. His tongue felt like lead

"Is he okay?" Yixing heard someone ask, a cold hand pressed against his cheek.

Junmyeon’s voice was light when he said, "Oh, he’s fine. Nothing to worry about."

 

✼✼✼✼✼

 

The newest arrival in the house unnerved Yixing with how he moved between the rooms. He was a reminder of a life Yixing had left behind by being at Yifan's side, all so clinical and pristine. What Yixing had once found relaxing about him, had his stomach churning with things Yixing no longer wanted to feel. Whenever he was in the room, Yixing was silent and watchful of his movements. In the two years he had been at the estate, he'd grown into the comforts of not having a doctor look over his shoulder and note down everything he did.

His life as a pampered lapcat had come to a close as the past replayed itself. The plentiful breakfasts he was prepared in each morning since his arrival were gone, replaced with two slices of wholemeal toast and a vitamin injection. And a hormone one, the one that made Yixing’s head spin and had him breaking out in a sweat. Lunches were no longer deeply filled noodle bowls topped with anything Yixing fancied, they were boiled eggs and vegetables. Dinners - those spent without Yifan, at least - were stuffed vegetables and lean meats.

There were no cakes and sweets to be had in-between meals, nothing to appease his - or the baby's - sweet-tooth. Even the cupboards were filled with the plain items Yixing had been served at the Centre. It felt like regression, a drain on another one of his freedoms.

Yixing's dull days trapped indoors grew even duller with nothing to take enjoyment from. Only worsened by the effects of the medication he was administered. If there was too long between injections, he would begin to shake and his temples would wet with so much sweat that it dribbled down to his jaw. He’d only feel better when the sickening fluid was pushed into his veins, leaving him weaker and weaker each time.

Time without Yifan was time spent doing nothing much. He couldn't read the books that lined the walls of the library, even if he did sometimes pretend to, as a way to hide from Junmyeon. He sought refuge in the music rooms most of all, though. He would sit at the piano and try to recall what Yifan had taught him in the few times they'd spent time together there.

He could recall the scales and the opening notes to a few songs, though, that was it. Everything else, he taught himself using what he knew. He wasn't much good but it passed the time. That was all he needed. Hours spent at the piano were hours away from Junmyeon and hours that brought him closer to Yifan.

Junmyeon's only pastime was to be watchful of what Yixing was doing. He was scolded for being too active, for being inactive for long periods of time, for standing or sitting incorrectly. It felt much like it did in the Centre, with everything so regimented and orderly.

Yixing wanted to slouch down on the chaise lounge in the foyer because his feet hurt, he didn't want to be ushered onto the rigid wooden chairs that pushed him upright. He wanted to relax into the home.

"I thought I was supposed to be enjoying my pregnancy," Yixing muttered to his own reflection when he escaped to the bathroom after he took his lunch in the, rarely used, smoking room. He looked down at his stomach that had begun to show that tiny bit more. "I hope you appreciate all the trouble I've been going through for you. I'm sure you'll be worth it."

He could never spend too long cooped up in the washroom before there was a sharp knock on the door. Junmyeon seemed to time him whenever he pretended to use the toilet and Yixing had begun to love the days when his bladder would bear the brunt of his pregnancy. He just wanted some peace.

And that peace came when the front door would open to show Yifan taking off his jacket. Yixing would rush to greet Yifan before any of the servants could make it to his side to take his things. It would be one of the only times in a day that Yixing would smile with a genuine curl of his lips and eyes, and it meant everything to be able to see Yifan reciprocate it.

They would eat dinner together when they could and Yixing would make Yifan suffer through his bland meals, he found it made Yifan more sympathetic when he whined for snacks. That's why, in the middle of the night, when Yixing would want a sweet before-bed supper, there was always a cupcake - or three - brought up to the bedroom.

Yixing would scoff the little delights down with Yifan watching him, simply smiling at the sight of Yixing enjoying what he was eating. He would practically be put to bed by Yifan then, with all his clothing removed and kissed spread all over his stomach and chest. There was not a night that they wouldn't sleep next to one another, cuddled up until Yixing became too hot and rolled to the other side of the expansive bed.

However, not all seemed to be well under the paper-thin mask of Yifan's worries when he was around Yixing. It wasn't difficult to know when Yifan would have a nightmare, be it through the fidgeting or panicked mumbling that would wake Yixing. Other times it was more subtle. Like when Yixing would wake up with Yifan and see him touch the cut on the back of his head a few times over or he'd flinch if a door opened too harshly.

It wasn't something that Yixing knew how to make better or fix, he didn't know everything that happened inside the government building when it had been attacked. All he knew was that someone got close enough to Yifan to harm him. And with all the safety precautions around Yifan's office, he knew it would frighten him to his wit’s end, if he had been there.

So even when perspiration dribbled out of Yixing's every pore under the thick duvet, he would stay tucked into Yifan's side to be his anchor. He didn't mind it when Yifan would stir awake from what he had seen in his dreams and hold him close. Even if he was uncomfortably warm. It was something Yixing felt that he needed to do to be there for Yifan.

He was glad that Yifan would sleep at all. And he hoped that it was his presence that made it easier for the older. He was sure of it.

There was not a part of Yixing that didn't feel relieved that he finally knew what had been paining Yifan through the weeks. Even if he couldn't do much himself, he could try to do something to be there for Yifan and to support him - even if he was going into the situation completely blind.

So he tried not to complain too much about Yifan's work hours and Yifan's sometimes overly quiet attitude, he wanted to let Yifan go through the natural processes of drawn-out shock.

What he feared, however, was that Yifan believed that everything falling apart in their world was his fault. If Yixing knew Yifan's mind like he thought he did, he was sure that would be what would chew Yifan up inside. He would have been haunted by the feeling of failure to do good - which, was all Yifan wanted from his position of power, to make life better for the many and not the few.

And people like Yixing had barely anything at all. From what Yixing had been told, his rights were being plucked away one by one by those who believed themselves superior. At that point, Yixing could see the reasoning behind the unrest, as it was something he felt right in his core.

When he saw Yifan in that state, those thick, malevolent feelings he had felt towards those of Yifan's ilk intensified.

As much as he hated being cooped up and tethered down, Yixing didn't think he would want to step out into a world that wanted to make him less of a human. Of a world that wanted to only classify him by the surgeries he had gone through as a child.

Yixing did not want to be around those who hurt the man he loved, either. He couldn't bear the thought of anyone drawing in close to his lover to strike him across the head. Both sides of the society Yifan had given him a peek into disgusted him.

He found himself not wanting to leave, not when he was so loved where he was trapped.

 

✼✼✼✼✼

 

"I can teach you a few things, if you’d like?"

Yixing’s head snapped up from the black and ivory keys beneath his hands and was met with the sight of Junmyeon in the doorway. He teetered on the threshold, a nervousness about his person that made Yixing wonder if he was aware of how little Yixing wished to be in his presence. It wasn’t as if Yixing didn’t already feel terrible enough.

Yixing shook his head and pressed his fingers down and played what he knew, "Yifan said he would teach me. So I’ll have to decline that offer."

"Ah, I see." Junmyeon approached Yixing to lean against the polished black side of the piano. "Mr Wu’s wealth astounds me. No one can get their hands on instruments like these anymore, they’re all holographic now. There’s probably only a few of this sort left in the world and isn’t it just beautiful?"

"It is," Yixing hummed with his fingers drawn back from where they had been playing. "He really cherishes it. I think it’s something that has been in his family for a long time, so it has more than just its monetary value to Yifan."

"Yes, of course. This definitely seems like something that would be a fantastic heirloom for him to leave for his child, especially since he’s going to be raising them alone." Junmyeon tilted his body towards the windows as Yixing frowned at him.

"I’m not sure if you’ve been told but Yifan wants to keep me here, to help him raise our child." Yixing watched how Junmyeon’s fingers curled up tightly at his sides at the mere mention of the world, "our," and Yixing’s hands held at his stomach reflexively. "We plan on doing this together."

"As your doctor, I really advise against that. Carriers aren’t equipped with the skills to raise a properly civilised child and that would only burden the baby and Mr Wu more than if Mr Wu were to raise it alone."

Yixing’s mouth hinged open in immediate shock, not quite sure how to react to what he had heard come from the doctor. Not that he could even say anything, could he get his brain to click into action. Instead, he thought of Minseok, the person he knew was closest, and something blinked in a gentle light in Yixing's eye. His implant.

"There have been studies, you know, of those of your classification and the negative impacts they have when around the children they bear for longer than necessary periods of time. It’s not healthy for the child to consider a Carrier their parent because a Carrier isn’t supposed to be a parent. A Carrier incubates so women of Mr Wu’s stature don’t have to. You were designed to only be a temporary fixture in households, it’s how both your body and brain have been wired to be." Junmyeon faced Yixing with a small smile. "I’m sure Mr Wu will do the right thing by you all and you’ll move onto your next couple."

A knock on the door made Yixing’s head jerk away from where he had been staring a Junmyeon, struck by the depth of his words. He hadn’t expected it from Junmyeon, not as someone Yifan had invited into the closely hidden and private space of his home. A few tears were flung from his eyes onto the piano’s varnish and Yixing felt relief at the sight of Minseok, who was splashed with wet mud.

"Yixing, the Chinese Plumbago has begun to flower," he called into the room, he held his hand out for Yixing who sprung up onto his feet and took the fingers offered to him instantly. The feeling of Minseok’s hands against his brought instant comfort.

They made their way through the labyrinth of hallways until Minseok tugged Yixing into one of the dining rooms. There, Minseok stopped and looked Yixing straight in the eye. He brushed through Yixing’s hair with his free hand and smiled gently and sadly to Yixing. Yixing thought the action was very much like Minseok was trying to brush away the comments the doctor had made to him.

When Yixing’s tears had dried up from his cheeks, the gardener changed his posture slightly and began to lead Yixing back out of the room. Junmyeon wasn’t too much further down the corridor by that point, his light footsteps and perfectly balanced body moved him silently across the floor. Yixing didn’t want to watch him saunter through the house, not when the words he’d said still rung in his ears.

"Now, let’s get down to those flowers. Fresh air may help with the sickness you’ve been feeling."

With their shoulders bumping, Yixing and Minseok drifted through the house and out to the expansive pruned garden that Minseok spent all his time tending to. He pointed out everything that had freshly flowered for autumn and made sure to show Yixing the Plumbago blossoms that had appeared on those bushes.

Yixing had picked those to be planted in the spring and thought they were a wonderful addition to the rest of what was there. It was good to see something of his choosing rooted into the ground, so firmly and proudly, that it felt like a mark of himself in the estate. Everything else around - like much of the world - was carefully curated and set-up like a set for a movie, but that one bush with its beautifully blue flowers and green stems were something else for Yixing.

It was colour in the autumn, something he missed when summer came to its dying close. There were a few red petalled flowers dug into the soil, popping out wonderfully from the muddy earth below. Yixing adored it when he looked down at the selection Minseok had grown.

"Mr Wu said you didn’t like the gardens so much when there were no flowers," Minseok told him after a while. "I planted more firs up in the deciduous forests, just so there’s always some green up there for you to see - if you weren’t wanted to go right the way to the other side of the land to reach the evergreens."

"You did?" Yixing’s glee bled into his voice and he wrapped his other hand around Minseok’s. "Are they small?"

"Yeah, around waist height."

"Wonderful," Yixing beamed, all too happy at the idea of being able to walk through clusters of short trees as snow fell in the later months. "I bet they’ll be perfect in December and January."

"You really should not be going out at that time of year," another voice chimed in and Yixing’s joy was suddenly short-lived. "It’s far too cold for your frail body as it is and that’ll only worsen with the baby."

Yixing could see how Minseok literally bit his tongue and closed his eyes to clear the voice away. Much like Yixing, Minseok wasn’t in a position to say anything snappy in response. Minseok, even if he was favoured by Yifan, still had barely any societal rank. He was only just higher than Yixing and realms below Junmyeon.

"You shouldn’t put your Host’s baby in danger, Yixing." Junmyeon crept up behind them until Yixing could sense him closely between their shoulders. "It's your responsibility to keep them safe."

With feelings that were similar to that of a scolded child, Yixing nodded his head limply. Minseok's fingers twitched in Yixing's hold in an attempt to bolster Yixing somewhat, though it did fail. Walks really were the only part of life that Yixing properly enjoyed doing on his own. He did not want Junmyeon to take those away from him.

Being walled in by the gates and boundary walls were more than enough for Yixing already. If he was further encapsulated into an even smaller cage, Yixing was sure he would claw at the furniture.

"Is it time for supper yet?" Junmyeon's words grew breezy and light. Yixing let go of Minseok and turned away from them both.

"I'm not hungry, you can both eat without me," he told them.

"You have to have something, you could be putting a baby that is not yours at risk."

That was too much for Yixing.

So he kept walking and walking until he had covered the space, and climbed up the stairs, between the garden and Yifan's bedroom. He locked the door and slipped into the bed, ignoring when Minseok tried to get his attention through their implants. He chewed his thumb and nail, coiled up in a ball with his nose buried in Yifan's side of the bed. He hated the way Junmyeon made him feel - with the dictation over Yixing's life and habits, and his heart-pricking words.

It all teased at that box of insecurity that Yixing had tried to lock up after Yifan had assured him of his permanence in that world. And Yixing knew it was close to being opened. He had felt so secure in his home with Yifan. Instead, he was undermined in what he already had little confidence in.

He did not want Junmyeon there.

He did not know why Yifan let him into their home.


	10. 第十章

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Non-consensual drug-use.

Yixing didn’t understand why his hands would tremble with such ferocity and why he’d only see a more faint version of himself in the mirror. Minseok and Jongdae fussed over him, thinking it to be some kind of flu Yixing was supposed to be immune to, being a carrier. They would stick by his side as Junmyeon followed him around like a ghost. Lu Han spent most of his time in the garage or out with Yifan, accompanying Yifan and Kyungsoo on their work meetings and to act almost like a go between for those of the highest tier of society and those on the lower end of the spectrum.

It kept Yifan away from home most for so much of the day that he hardly noticed many of the changes within Yixing that the workers of the house had. Yixing reluctantly asked Junmyeon to check him over, only to be told that what was happening was completely normal, that it was everything to help the baby.

That last part was all that kept Yixing from being completely and utterly withdrawn from the doctor, all he wishes to do is keep his baby happy and healthy. Junmyeon tells him that if Yixing can sacrifice a little for Yifan’s child, everything will work out for the baby. It made Yixing sit there in the morning and wait until his brain and body are numbed by what Junmyeon put into his arm. He really believed it was okay if he gave up some of himself to keep his baby safe, especially for Yifan.

He really thought it would be okay. If the injections could keep the headaches, the tremors and cold sweats away, he would take them. Even if they made him feel duller inside, like they were washing him from a spectrum of colour to a shade of white.

The doctor said that was a normal side effect, that Yixing simply had to persevere to keep his baby healthy.

Even if all the sensations building up inside of him smothered him as they drained him away, it felt worth the pain and trouble when Junmyeon would let him know that the baby was healthy. Maybe even healthier than average.

 

✼✼✼✼✼

 

It had been three hours since Yixing had his last shot when Yifan walked through the door. Yixing was sleeping off the weakness he felt when a hand skimmed across his cheek to wake him. His eyelids took a few moments to respond and he grinned when he saw who had disturbed his sleep. Yifan wordlessly moved Yixing across the bed and cuddled up to him once there was enough space on the mattress. Yifan nosed under Yixing’s chin and kissed his throat three times, each one sweeter than the one before.

Yixing practically flopped himself onto Yifan, hooking one of his legs up until his thigh rested across Yifan’s waist, sprawling comfortably there. Even that minimal movement sapped Yixing of all his energy.

He fell back to sleep quickly once Yifan began petting through his hair, rolling the strands of it between his fingers before stroking it flat to Yixing’s head.

When he woke again, it was dark outside and Yifan was looking at something on his implant that was quickly flicked away when Yixing began to move around on the bed. Yixing had Yifan’s full and undivided attention from the first fidget of his leg, signalling that he was rousing from his sleep.

Barely a few minutes passed from the moment Yixing regained consciousness until there was a soft knock on the door, which had Jongdae entering not too soon afterwards, holding a tray of food in his hands that he brought over to Yixing and placed on his lap. Yixing dug in instantly, hoping to fill his stomach and pull a little more energy out of the food, into his body. He scarfed down the whole dish that had been served to him in not much time at all, causing Yifan to laugh and for Yixing to whine.

It was the best food Yixing had managed to eat in a while, too. It was clear that Yifan had, had a hand in what would be prepared for Yixing, as it was all of Yixing’s favourite foods on one plate.

"Have a nice nap?" Yifan queried, breaking the quiet around them.

"I could sleep for another few hours," Yixing commented, stretching out and yawning like a cat. "I feel wiped out."

"The one day I’m home early and you want to sleep it all away." Yifan sucks his teeth for a moment before smiling at Yixing, who sits up to look at him. "Can I at least get a kiss?"

Yixing nods his head, grinning and letting himself drape over Yifan’s body again. This time, however, he joins their mouths in a series of gentle tugs of his own lips on Yifan’s. The usual tiredness that bracketed Yifan’s energy levels were absent as he brought Yixing closer and began to feel up his sides and down to his thighs.

"You’re so skinny again, I thought pregnancy was supposed to make you gain weight and be all cute and round," Yifan muttered to himself, fingers coasting over where Yixing knew his bones stuck out a little more than usual. "Maybe that’s why you’re so tired?"

Yixing shrugged and continued to kiss Yifan, disliking how his stomach rolled and turned as Yifan’s hands held to him with even more purpose. It was when Yifan had managed to get Yixing’s tunic off, pulling it up over his head and tossing it to the other side of the bed, that Yixing felt something rise up in his throat.

Where there had usually been arousal, was a swaying sense of sea sickness. Even as Yifan promised to make Yixing feel good, the whole of Yixing’s body felt as though it was attempting to turn itself inside out. He tried his hardest to ignore it, to relish in the touch of his lover, but it was impossible to do with bile hurtling up his throat.

Yixing had to push Yifan sharply away and scurry to the bathroom, hurling himself towards the toilet bowl to vomit up what he had just finished eating. Yifan came in behind him almost immediately after, he rubbed Yixing’s back and helped him clean up once he was done.

"I called down for you to be brought a glass of water," Yifan whispered, "and for Junmyeon to check you over."

With a nod of Yixing’s head, he slumped against the wall with his cheek pressed to the tiles. Junmyeon comes in and checks Yixin’s chips, taking his data and telling Yifan that everything looks how it should, that it must have been something he had eaten. But, Yixing has a slimy feeling in his stomach that isn’t from the vomit.

When he gets back into bed with Yifan, once he feels better, and he is kissed by Yifan, his nausea returns And with it, the slimy feeling.

 

✼✼✼✼✼

 

The best days were when Kyungsoo would visit, he would bear the items Yixing had bought on his most idle days. He would tear away the packaging and look at the small items of clothing, or toys, or hologram projectors. There were rooms cluttered with items for the baby. And, with Kyungsoo around him, Junmyeon's comments were always held back.

"Have you thought about names?"

Yixing sighed and looked at Kyungsoo from where he was sat playing with a solar system projector. "Not yet, Yifan thinks it’s unlucky to give the child a name before they're born."

"That doesn't mean you can't have a shortlist handy," Kyungsoo shrugged as he flicked through his work files on his implant. "I think Yifan's actually already been looking at a few. I don't have access to it but he has this file that's just got your name on it and he's constantly opening and closing it. It's cute."

"Really?" Yixing grinned, a dribble of warmth edged into his bloodstream as he thought about it. "I wonder what's in there."

"I don't know, but he's always smiling whenever he looks at it." Kyungsoo undid his necktie slightly and pressed back into the the chair he was sprawled across. "He works like a horse, though. He is almost constantly doing something; if he's not reading papers, he's in diplomatic meetings and cabinet talks, then if he's not doing any of that, he's trying to go out and meet people. I don't think anyone in that building works as hard as he does. So, it’s nice to see him smiling every so often."

Yixing nodded his head avidly, "His work ethic really is admirable. His stamina always takes me by surprise, it really is a wonder to me."

 _"His stamina?"_ The suggestive remark was not missed by Yixing as he flushed at the implication. "Is it really that good that it makes you feel in awe?"

"I don't actually have to answer this, do I?"

"Come on, entertain yourself! And it's not like I'm going to tell anyone. I bet it's good with all the pregnancy hormones making you, you know, want _it."_

"We haven't, uh," Yixing turned his face down shyly, "not since we found out about the baby."

"Oh, really?" Kyungsoo's face fell, stunned. "Wow. I thought you'd be clawing at each other, with the hormones and stuff."

"Ah, I think that's the thing." Yixing put the toy down onto the floor and peered up at Kyungsoo from where he sat on the floor. "Doctor Kim has been administering me with a shot each morning that basically nullifies my pregnancy sex drive. And Yifan works all the time, so he's always exhausted and unlikely to initiate anything..."

"Wait... The doctor does what?" Kyungsoo's eyes bulged as he flung himself forward on his seat.

"He gives me these injections when I first see him at breakfast and they feel like hell. I have barely any control of my body afterwards and it reduces my want for sex, by a lot. It simply seems to increase my nausea tenfold. Especially when I even think about doing anything, like _that,_ with Yifan. Even now, just thinking about it," Yixing rubbed between his eyes as he talked, hoping to keep the dizzy spell away, "I start to feel like I’m going to throw up."

Kyungsoo took a moment and he grew more and more alert to something Yixing couldn't identify on his own. He blinked silently, focused on Yifan's assistant as seriously. It was a tense silence before Kyungsoo spoke again.

"Something isn't right here," Kyungsoo expressed resolutely to Yixing. "Yifan wouldn't want him to do anything like that."

Kyungsoo held out his hand. Confused, Yixing took it and stood when he was tugged slightly. Kyungsoo felt up his arms and down his ribs for a few seconds, feeling where Yixing’s skin covered his bones. There was a queasy look to Kyungsoo when he pulled back, holding Yixing’s hands between his own, running his thumbs over Yixing’s bony knuckles.

"Yixing, get a jacket and your shoes on because you're going to see Yifan, right now."

Yixing floundered inside and scrambled to follow when Kyungsoo pulled his hands. "But, I can't leave the grounds, the sensors won't let me."

"They will let you out this time, okay? We need to go and meet Yifan and you need to explain to him what the doctor has been giving you. This is important. So very important."

Yixing followed blindly behind Kyungsoo as he summoned Lu Han to get a car, there was stress on Lu Han's features and he gave Yixing a once over. He was trying to see if something had come to harm Yixing.

"Has anything happened? Do we need the doctor?"

Sharply, Kyungsoo regarded Lu Han and told him, "No, just a car."

"You're going out? But, Yifan sai-"

"We know what he said but call the car, Yixing needs to see Yifan as soon as he can. And Yifan's got this meeting with Chanyeol and his family right now, so his implant will be blacked. This is a matter of Yixing's health, here. So get the car and open the gates because we _have_ to get to Yifan."

"Got it."

Lu Han's eye blinked with a short burst of white and one of the garage doors opened as it faded away. A second later, a car emerged from the doorway and met them when they walked across the driveway.

Yixing was gently ushered into the back and Kyungsoo set the coordinates for their location before the car began to drive down the road. Lu Han scanned his arm, as did Kyungsoo, and it was only Yixing left to not put his through. The sensor didn't beep, nor did an alarm go off, the gate simply moved to let them out.

Among it all, Yixing didn't know what was happening and he followed each of Kyungsoo's commands wordlessly. He really had no awareness of the situation at hand, not one bit. So, all he could do was sit in the back as the world whizzed by in front of him in an ever expanding pit of anxiety.

 

✼✼✼✼✼

 

Yifan was stood in front of the vastly intimidating building when the car pulled up and Yixing could see just how tense he looked, even from a few metres away. His reaction was immediate when Kyungsoo and Lu Han stepped out onto the pathway, he talked to them rapidly then moved his head.

That’s when he saw Yixing sat in the back, his head propped up by his bent arm next to the window.

Yixing could see Kyungsoo talking at speed, even as Yifan turned completely away to get to the door Yixing was leant on. Yixing lifted himself away just before the door opened up and took Yifan’s hand when it was offered to him.

"Do you realise how stupid you’ve been to bring him out here?" Yifan barked with his voice so furious that Yixing flinched. Still, the way he brought Yixing closer to his body was nothing other than tender and caring. "I cannot think of any reason why you would be valid in putting in this kind of danger."

"Because that doctor-"

"We should do this inside," Chanyeol chipped in. He looked at his watch and Yixing began to hook his fingers into Yifan’s suit. "If Yixing is going to be away from the house, he should be in the next best place, and that’s in here where we can lock ourselves in."

Yifan’s reaction was to tow Yixing along with him until they were in through the foyer with a quick scan of Yifan’s arm. Yixing was guided from one side of the perfectly white and glass entrance into a room that was equally as minimal. There were chairs there, though, and a few of them were occupied by people Yixing had never seen before.

"We’re going to have to cancel this meeting. Some personal issues have arisen for Chanyeol and myself and they require our attention. Would it be possible to reschedule this for tomorrow? The same time?"

Yixing knew that even if Yifan had posed his words like a suggestion, they were muted demands that the others were likely to follow and obey. So, it was no shock when they nodded and swiftly left the room.

"Are you okay?" Yifan curved his neck downwards to talk directly into Yixing’s ear. "Has something happened?"

"I don’t know." Yixing peered over his own shoulder to look at Kyungsoo. "We were sorting out the new baby things and Doctor Kim, then Kyungsoo was demanding that I leave the estate to go to you. I have no idea why we’re here. He didn’t say anything during the journey, either."

"Let’s all sit down," Chanyeol suggested, and Yixing assumed that he was wanting to act very much like a mediator. "It’ll be easier that way."

Yixing let go of Yifan and took Chanyeol’s instructions, he put himself into one of the chairs and felt how Yifan followed closely behind him. It wasn’t too long before Yixing’s fingers were threaded between Yifan’s on top of the table, giving Yixing some kind of anchoring.

The room was too bright. Yixing’s eyes ached as they adjusted, his lungs stung with how cool the inside of the room was, too. Everything was too much for his senses. Yixing felt overloaded, like he was short-circuiting under the brightness of the sun.

"What’s going on, Soo?" Chanyeol began as he slipped into his own chair, Kyungsoo and Lu Han following him not to long after.

It was with a stressed sigh and fists curled up on the table that Kyungsoo said only one thing, "That doctor has been giving Yixing inhibitors."

"He’s _what?"_ Yixing had rarely seen Yifan furious. He had never been in the position to see that kind of wrath come out of Yifan, so palpable that it rolled from him in waves. "Did I hear you right? _Inhibitors?_ Those haven’t even finished their testing period yet."

"Are you sure?" Chanyeol leant forward and stared at his husband with a serious frown. "Junmyeon’s a close family friend of the both of us and this doesn’t seem like something he would do."

"How do you know that’s what he’s doing?" Yifan crossed his hand over and enclosed Yixing’s wrist entirely.

"Yixing and I were talking, and Yixing, describe how you feel after you get your morning injections."

Yixing’s mouth hung agape for a little while before he resigned himself to the gazes from each person in the room that was set upon him. "They make me feel nauseous at first and then lucid, like everything is numb and swollen up around me. I can’t think about _physical_ things without feeling an urge to vomit. I don’t want to do much at all, other than walk or try to play something on the piano. I feel sensitive around all my edges, like my nerves are too sharp at the top of my skin. And it only gets worse as he gives me more.

"He says it’ll help the baby be strong and healthy for Yifan. And that’s all I want."

Yifan’s grip on Yixing’s hand and arm tightened up with every word until he released Yixing entirely. He much clearly preferred to ball up his fists than let any of his fury out on Yixing.

"You don’t want to see what it does to him," Lu Han suddenly told the table, his head bowed in shame. "There’s this fifteen minute period where he’s just _gone,_ like he’s incapable of doing anything other than breathe. Then the vomiting starts. And I want to stop the doctor but I can’t, I don’t have the power to say anything about it. Because what do I know about pregnant men? But, Master, please send that man away from the house. I think he’s trying to kill Yixing."

"I don’t think he’s trying to _kill_ Yixing, Lu Han," Chanyeol blurted out in a series of stammers. "Maybe he’s just reacting badly to someth-"

In that instant, everyone received a file on their implant. One directly from Lu Han. The reaction from all was the same. A short gasp and then deathly silence.

And there it was, playing right in Yixing’s left eye, the scene of him, eyes rolled back and limp on his seat as Junmyeon tried to get a slice of toast into his slack mouth. It was only when the clear image of Jongdae appeared in the scene, that Junmyeon retracted his hand from that close to Yixing’s face and went back to his own food.

"It’s only become worse at breakfasts after then. When Master is home, Yixing doesn’t take his breakfast with Junmyeon, and they’re the only days when Yixing isn’t like this. I don’t know what that doctor is doing to him but it doesn’t look healthy."

"Inhibitors," Kyungsoo explained, "are the government’s next phase of Carrier control. The chemical diverts key nutrients and the most healthy blood to the baby, the carrier's own health decreases and the side effects are extremely serious right now. The digital simulations have all, basically, been complete failures to the Carrier’s health."

"It’s a poison to keep the baby alive and keep the carrier themselves weak, docile and, temporarily, biologically celibate." Chanyeol gulped heavily and ran his fingers through his hair. "I didn't think they could even leave the lab yet."

It was only Yifan and Yixing who said nothing more. Yixing couldn’t find the words. And Yifan, well, Yixing thought he looked fit to murder someone. His face was like a stone wall, a blank and angered look sat in his eyes that seemed to scorch into the back of his skull. Yifan was, by all measures, a very drawn-in person who kept things to himself. But, with Yixing, he could always pick out nuances and slot them into reactions.

Yet, Yixing couldn’t place anything beside Yifan in that moment. He had absolutely no grounds to work on with a boiling rage like that. Yifan just didn’t get angry. He became frustrated, and tired, and annoyed, but never enraged. Not once did he ever shut down, unable to function, with an irateness Yixing couldn’t tangibly grasp.

Deep down, that sparked an anxiety within Yixing. He had no idea what to do and, in his panicked, twenty-one-year-old mind, that was the worst part of the whole exchange. It wasn’t seeing himself in a drug-induced vulnerability, or having his life shared with a group of people, it was the unpredictability of Yifan’s wrath.

A tremor ran down Yixing’s spine and into the tips of his fingers and toes. His heart rate rose until he could feel it pound in rapid beats within his head. He could feel another one of those panic attacks coming on.

Lu Han seemed to grasp that and got Yixing’s attention, he tapped the side of his head once, before he announced to the table, "I have called security to the house and they’ll remove the doctor from the estate."

"No," Yifan rumbled, quiet as a mouse, but with the ferocity of a lion, "I want to sort this out myself."


	11. 第十一章

Yixing was practically on Yifan’s lap the whole way back to the estate. One hand covered Yixing’s stomach and the other was hooked around his waist, which held him down like a harness to Yifan’s body. He was showered with kisses and whispered apologies, all of which had his heart untangling from anxiety until it was almost liquid in his chest.

The drive, as long as it was, passed quickly and Yixing would see that residual anger build and bubble up under Yifan’s skin as they made it to the estate’s driveway. 

Jongdae and Minseok, along with a few other servants, stood in front of the house, all jittery on their feet as the car approached. Yixing found his own emotions hard to decipher, feeling nothing other than concern for Yifan’s stability going into the situation. 

Everyone knew how protective Yifan was of his family and those he loved, just not to an exact extent. There wasn’t a single person that didn’t wait with bated breath for his reaction. Part of Yixing hoped that the journey had help Yifan gather some kind of handle on whatever was going to happen.

Yixing was almost sure that Yifan had calmed slightly.

Then, Junmyeon came out through the front doors, head held high with a perfect smile on his face.

Yifan was still in the car when he appeared, head bowed into Yixing’s hair and fingers pressed into Yixing’s torso.

"I’ll never let anyone treat you like this again, Xing. I promise," he whispered before putting Yixing into the seat across from him. Yixing dug his fingernails into the upholstery and could only watch him leave the vehicle.

Yixing didn’t turn to look where Yifan had gone, he stared out at the grounds and flinched when he heard a yelp, one of shock and sudden fear. Two voices called out,  _ "Yifan!" _ and Yixing curled up on his seat with only Lu Han in his peripheral vision.

"We should have told him earlier," Yixing mumbled into his knees once they had been brought to his chest.

Lu Han jolted before his attention shifted over to Yixing. Without needing to look, Yixing knew the driver was frowning, "You didn’t realise that anything untoward was happening. Whatever happens is the doctor’s own fault. Especially since, for your whole life, you were taught to put all your trust into medical professionals, and he exploited that to try out that  _ poison." _

"Do you really think he was trying to hurt me?"

Lu Han didn’t reply for a few seconds and Yixing tilted his head to look at him, the quietness only accented by the sounds of a scuffle outside of the car. 

"I think he thought he was doing what was best and thought no one would mind if you were collateral damage, and that was his first mistake. Because the other is that he severely underestimated Mr Wu’s love for you."

Yixing’s heart trembled at Lu Han’s acknowledgement of Yifan’s feelings for him. It confirmed it somehow, hearing it from someone else’s mouth and removing it from within Yixing’s head. It was external and known. It was what both settled Yixing’s nerves and frayed them further, the intensity of those feelings.

The sounds were too muffled to make out, but Yixing could recognise the familiar timbre of Yifan’s voice. He had spoken in a tone Yixing had never heard Yifan use before, it was dark. There was a sinister quality to it. And, it was truly a part of Yifan he had never known even existed. He had always found tenderness in Yifan’s eyes, whispers, and fingertips. The rage,  _ the power, _ of the tone Yifan used to regard Junmyeon had a part of Yixing quaking in fear. 

Yixing didn’t know what was happening, nor did he wish to. He feared that what he may have seen would skew his view of Yifan.

When the yelling finally ended, there was no loud scream or roar. There was silence. It ticked on for a minute, maybe more before Lu Han cleared his throat and glanced back out the window. "I think we should get out now."

Yixing looked up and faced in the same direction as Lu Han for a moment, and all he could see was Yifan stood on the steps. The servants, Chanyeol, Kyungsoo, and Junmyeon were all gone. The car opened up in front of him and he sprung out, advancing on Yifan as quickly as he could. And, ignoring the splatters and smudges of blood on Yifan’s shirt, Yixing flung himself at his Host.

"He’s not dead, is he?" Yixing whispered into Yifan’s ear, arms strung around the taller man’s neck. 

"Of course not." Yifan’s hair tickled at Yixing’s neck as he shook his head. "But, he’ll never be coming back here. I don’t want him anywhere near you or the baby. I’ll find you another doctor, one that doesn’t think you’re less than what you are. I'll see to it that he never treats another Carrier again, either."

"I could always go to a clinic and see a doctor there," Yixing suggested, his eyes turning curious as he looked up at Yifan. "I really would like to get out of the house, even if it’s for that drive to the clinic and back."

Yifan sighed sadly, not a morsel of frustration in his exhale, "You know I would love to give you the room to roam, but I don’t want you to be hurt in any kind of way. Not when I can’t be there to protect you. And, yeah, I admit that maybe things are cooling off and talks with the protesters are going well, but things aren’t quite back to how they were yet."

"Is there not anything you can do?" Yixing smiled a little bit, "You’re  _ Wu Yifan,  _ I’m sure there is."

"Are you trying to flatter me into letting you out of the house?"

"Maybe," Yixing grinned, all his teeth and his dimple on show. "Is it working?"

"I’ll see what I can do," Yifan kissed Yixing’s cheeks twice over. "But, I’m still going to find a doctor to get you checked over. There’s no knowing the effects of what you’ve had put into you. It’s just to be sure."

Yixing stepped back and rubbed away some of the blood spray from Yifan’s jaw with his sleeve. "I’ll tell you if I begin to feel any different, don’t worry."

"That’s all I could ask of you."

 

✼✼✼✼✼

 

Yixing was poked and prodded with yet more needles, though, those ones drew the blood out of his veins. He spent a few weeks at a private clinic, behind a few doors that were heavily guarded and covered with complex locking systems that made Yixing’s head hurt. He was allowed to practise the piano and Yifan taught him more in his short visits, complimenting how practiced the new chord Yixing had learnt was. 

He was allowed outside for twenty minutes a day, to soak in the sun an breathe in the air. It had felt like respite, originally, but Yixing felt more boxed in than he did at the estate. There were no forests and lakes and gardens for him to explore, it was a patch of grass and some concrete in a dingy courtyard. 

His stomach had grown more pronounced, becoming something he could cup in one hand and rub with the other. His skin felt a little tight around it. Though, Yifan said that was the weight he had lost under Junmyeon’s treatment.

It reminded him of the Centre, but, the small clinic was miles away from the city and Yifan’s home. Everything gleamed white and all the staff were both despondent and smiley, a little too void in the eyes and too interested in their words. Yixing didn’t have a small job to occupy him, he didn’t deliver pain relief to the newly modified children like he had in the Centre. Nonetheless, he knew that Yifan had sent him to the place where rich families’ superfluous children were brought to be changed into Carriers.

Often they were the creations of affairs had with Carriers. 

Sometimes, when Yixing was out in the courtyard, he could hear the sob littered screams of the children after their surgeries. He had shed a tear or two, feeling phantom pains in his stomach, arm and behind his left eye, and retreated back inside. 

Yixing didn’t want his children to become Carriers, like himself, he didn’t think he could bear the weight of putting them through the rigorous - sometimes even tortuous - medical trauma. Despite Yixing never wanting to change the fact he was gifted the ability to bear children. If the process were less taxing a painful, Yixing may have considered it, but he saw the way Yifan held himself with pride.

Yifan was a man who owned himself, he held the rights to his own body and conscience. And Yixing wanted their child to be much the same. He wanted their child to be as confident in themselves as Yifan and as humble as Yixing had often been labelled.

Meal times were a little more interesting than the regimen Junmyeon had forced him to undertake, given that he was given plates that were piled up with vegetables and synthetic meats - still rather plain, but still decadent compared to his previous diet.

Yifan brought things from a bakery and the estate’s chefs whenever he visited, and Yixing always scoffed down the pastries he was given in an instant. One night, Yifan stayed with Yixing on his single bed, when the weather was blustery and Yifan was too tired to leave Yixing’s side.

He confessed, during the night that he had missed Yixing’s presence at home.

He whispered against the bare skin of Yixing’s chest,  _ "There’s no warmth there, it’s like you’ve taken every inch of life from every room and brought it away with you. I don’t like this." _

Yixing was far too excited to be discharged from the clinic and shot straight to Yifan’s side, relishing in the deep kiss he was given in front of the security detail that had been assigned to him. Yifan managed to be the one to pick Yixing up and Yixing could not have been happier when they were in the car together.

He climbed straight onto Yifan’s lap and latched to him, not minding the ways the car shifted and moved as they hurtled through the changing landscapes. They were the only ones on the road, the only ones in the car, and Yixing had all of Yifan’s attention.

The skin of Yixing’s neck and body were adorned with kisses and loving touches as he was pulled from his tunic. Yifan’s suit and tie were fumbled with before they were discarded. And Yixing’s heart melted with every action Yifan took in making sure Yixing knew in the depths of his mind that he had been missed.

It was the protruding stomach that Yifan lingered around the most, as he hummed happily whilst stroking it and running his lips over the small bump. 

"You grew so much without me," Yifan told the baby, "it’s not fair to only let one of your fathers see how wonderfully you’re doing."

Yixing beamed at Yifan’s gentle words to their child and how softly they were spoken. Yixing would have expected Yifan to whine about such a thing, but his soft chastisement only made Yixing feel even more enamoured by Yifan.

"They wanted to impress you."

"I don’t need impressing, Baby, I just want to do all of this with you and your father, okay? Don’t leave me behind, don’t grow too much when I’m not there, or I’ll feel like I don’t know you." Yifan’s voice lowered even further the more he spoke and Yixing brushed his fingers through Yifan’s hair. "I love you both."

"We love you, too." Yixing guided Yifan’s face away from his stomach and kissed him on the mouth, instead. He did that a few times over, sealing the confession, and Yifan grinned the whole time. "We missed you, too."

"You’re never going to be away from me again, I swear it to you." Yifan pulled back with a serious frown on his face, one that only accented the gravity to Yifan’s every word. "I will be with you for every other moment of this pregnancy, and the next, and the next, and the next, and the next, and the ne--"

Yixing’s laughter interrupted him and he held Yifan’s face between both his hands, "How many children do you even want, huh?"

"I want as many as we possibly can have, I want that house to never feel like its light has gone ever again. The only solution I can find to that is to fill every room with a part of you and what better way than children, hundreds of them."

"The house would be more like a breeding centre," Yixing told Yifan flatly and Yifan’s smile widened.

"You know, maybe that’s what I should do. I’ll quit being an active member of society and focus on having babies with you, as many as we can."

"You’re silly," Yixing snorted. "We should see what having one is like first, then decide."

Yifan smiled and nodded his head, "Or, maybe, you should just never leave me, then there’s no chance of me being alone again."

"I’d like that," Yixing agreed, his expression softened. "I’m so happy to be going home, with you."

Yifan tilted his head to the side, he paused for a few moments, his eyes searching over Yixing’s face. It was as if he was searching for something to say and as if he thought that something could be found on Yixing’s face. In the end, he exhaled and layered his fingers over Yixing’s on his face. He brought both of their hands down between their bodies and entwined them.

"We won’t be heading directly home," Yifan confessed. "I have something to show you, in the city."

Yixing’s eyes widened, "The city? I thought you said that wasn’t safe?"

There was a moment of silence as Yifan chose his words, and that was telling enough for Yixing. Clearly, Yifan did not want to lessen the severity of the situation to make Yixing believe that things had returned to how they used to be, nor did he want to strike fear into Yixing’s already fragile heart. 

"As long as you’re with me, you’ll be okay," Yifan stated, instead of delving into the politics of the inner city. 

Rather than focusing on what wasn’t said, Yixing softened at what Yifan had used to comfort him. It was one of the only things Yixing ever wanted to hear fall from his lips, a protective declaration of love. He looked at Yifan, deeply in the eyes, until he had to blink away the intensity Yifan fed into his heart through his dark, slightly wide pupils. Once their stare was broken, Yifan moved Yixing around with his hands, until Yixing’s head rested on Yifan’s chest and Yifan’s hand curled around Yixing’s rounded stomach. 

With a vocal command from Yifan, the car’s music system started to play, softened tones and chords filled the comfortable silence of the rest of their journey. Yixing dozed, Yifan also, as the warmth of their bodies spread between them, along with the natural comfort the other brought. Yifan felt like he could finally relax, as if he was a ship that had come into the harbour of Yifan’s arms after a storm at sea. 

When the car came to a stop, Yixing naturally woke, and the darkness around him left him with a sense of disorientation. He had not expected night to fall so quickly, but it had, and rather than ponder how much time had passed, Yixing shook Yifan awake with a soft rock of his shoulders.

It was a hum that accompanied the flickering of Yifan’s eyelids, he lifted them to look down at Yixing. He leant in, his mouth searched for a kiss from Yixing’s lips, which Yixing gave him willingly. They remained like that, bound around each other and lip-locked until Yixing’s eyes began to close again. Only then did Yifan nudge him to encourage him out of the car.

They were not on a street, but behind a thick pane of glass that glinted green - even in the dark of the night - and they were the only ones in the large, ground floor room. A single elevator sat sunk into one of the walls, which Yifan summoned as Yixing dawdled towards it, stretching the cramp from his limbs. Only a few seconds passed until they were both in the elevator, moving up and across the building until they reached their destination. Yifan’s fingers wove themselves between Yixing’s, keeping them close together and entwined.

When the elevator stopped, the doors slid open to show a wide but short corridor. The lights were already on, illuminating everything that should be seen. However, much like the ground floor, there was only one visible door on one of the walls. They headed towards that, and Yifan scanned his chip to unlock it. 

Yixing had no idea where they were, he did not recognise a single thing and Yifan said nothing to give it away. He chose, like he often would, to place his trust completely in Yifan’s hands. Blindly, Yixing entered into another hallway, but Yifan paused there to take off his shoes. Sensors seemed to pick up that they were there and the lights faded-in, draping everything in a soft glow, and Yixing copied Yifan’s actions in the bettered lighting. 

Yifan tugged at Yixing’s hand, which signalled that they were to move further into the space, and Yixing came to see that they had been brought to an apartment suite. It was larger, by far, than the private clinic Yixing had been at for over a month, almost two, and there was a set of stairs that obviously led to a second floor. Yixing assumed that the apartment, with its wide rooms and windows that look out over the city, was half the size of one of the smaller wings of the estate. He opened his mouth in awe, not realising that apartments could even come in such a size.

Like always, Yifan was unfazed by the grandeur and beauty that surrounded him. He preferred to watch Yixing’s reaction, to observe everything the Carrier did to take it all in.

"Welcome, my love," Yifan rumbled, right up close to Yixing’s ear, "to our home away from home. Somewhere for you to be safe and near me whenever you wish to come to the city."

Yixing blinked, not sure if he had heard Yifan correctly, but did not speak. He tried as best as he could to take it all in, brows tensing and untensing as Yifan began to usher him in to give him a tour. 

The ground floor had everything Yixing loved about the main house in it. There was a large kitchen, stocked full of foods Yixing loved and drinks he adored the most. There was the lounge with an open fire in the centre of it, numerous screens for whenever Yixing wanted to watch anything, and plush sofas that Yixing could easily sleep on. A music room sat off just to the side, in which there was a grand piano like the one in the estate, and Yifan showed Yixing a small automated machine that he was told could teach him to play any instrument. 

There were a few more places on the lower floor, too, but Yifan told Yixing that they included a study for Yifan and different types of children’s playrooms for when their baby is born. And, Yixing was less fussed about seeing those immediately. So, moving a couple of steps behind Yifan, Yixing was taken upstairs. 

The most part of the second floor was their bedroom, which had glass views that stretched all over the city. The upstairs bathroom was no different, too, with the cityscape visible from a bathtub in the centre of it. But, in Yifan’s excitement, he took Yixing to his favourite room of them all.

Yixing’s eyes filled up with tears, his hand releasing Yifan’s to throw his arms around Yifan’s waist, barely making the nursery visible to Yixing anymore. But, everything was perfect. Each surface was accented with cream or lilac, little screens dotted around showed short videos of Yixing, Yifan, or both of them together, doing different things. Yixing knew that they must have been drawn from their implants, to show memories of moments they’ve spent together, the kind that filled Yixing with warm, honeyed feelings. 

"I want our child to know, from its very first moments, how much we love each other, Yixing,” Yifan whispered, cupping Yixing’s face to make him look up. “I want them to see happiness, just like how I see it with you."

**Author's Note:**

> you can talk to me about this fic on my _[curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/yifan)_ and _[twitter](https://twitter.com/yifantares)_ , if you'd like!


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